7:11PM WED APR 10 2024
my fullest all-nighter to date. id like to just watch a movie and sleep early tonight. leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow's me. Well. they're today's problems. or to be more exact, yesterday's problems... last week's problems. Who even caaaares. this is all so faaaaaake. none of these assignments matter In The Grand Scheme of Things. i wouldve written this in my tangible journal, but its at the bottom of my backpack and the keyboard is right in front of me. sitting on a bench outside right now. it seems like the bugs are back (after the winter). earlier, a squirrel came up to me, nearly climbing onto the bench im sitting on, presumably hoping to get some of my granola bar (which had been in my backpack for the past few months at least. which i finally decided to eat since i went to 3 different places to get a snack to eat but all of them were closed! what gives!) 7:17PM.
12:57AM TUE APR 2 2024
not interested in near real-time, daily updates. not sure if i should just turn off my site profile for now or if i should just write all the logs, maybe even in a physical journal first, then upload them all at once at a later date. blaaaaaah 1:05AM.
11:24AM MON APR 1 2024
going to have to get dressed to go to class (last one for this course for this semester) once i finish here and close my laptop to pack it into my backpack. slept early last night (well. earlier than planned. earlier than i maybe should have. and longer than i maybe should have. but im Refreshed. or so they say.) reserved free tickets for a film festival happening nearby 2 weeks from now, while i was still in bed before getting up. going on walks and going to places with my family or other people isn't the same as when im doing things alone. ive been 10-15 mins late for nearly every one of my classes this semester since february. can we end off strong? (me hinting that this entry is coming to an end. so that i can try to not be late.) (stream of consciousness Or Whatever They Call it. for the April Logs. Happy April! am i making a waste of my tuition. is that even how a sentence like that would be phrased. just typing anything. clearly. Evidently.) 11:33AM
11:05PM THU MAR 28 2024
successfully, though ungracefully, communicated the matcha order from yesterday's entry to a barista today. ate my lunch (a burger) outside, sitting on a bench, but i had to change my spot twice because squirrels kept coming so close to me, or rather, my food. ive been in a Mood since around 4:30 Pm today but i dont know why. i had about an hour of spare time this evening before going to an event. instead of going to the library to work, even though i did think about it & considered it to be the most responsible course of action, i sat outside, on a bench in a courtyard (?), in the cold wind, eating the remaining half of a ginger cookie, then vaguely people watching for at least 30 minutes, at most 1 hour (im not sure). i caught myself attempting to describe how i was feeling but i was thinking in korean. and why might that be. surely not because ive been exposing myself to the language at a rate not experienced since i was 13... Omg so embarassing. supposedly. evidently. anyway. google translates the word i was thinking of as "depressed," "melancholy," "moodiness," "mope," "dejection," etc. unrelated: how did i escape Social Pressures and Norms enough to never have really learned how to do makeup or hair. granted, at least half of all of the friends ive ever had aren't particularly feminine or otherwise interested in the above topics. but of them all, when you look at us now. ... Lol. can you tell that im just typing to type, just adding more without knowing where im going. Disregard everythinggggg. clearly im still in the throes of this Mood. Im Under The Influence. of this indescribable mood. yeah you (me) said that already... pollen season seems to have started. sniffle. the two girls in the room next to mine are singing Just Give Me A Reason (or whatever the song's called) by P!NK together. now Roar by Katy Perry. 11:26PM.
12:32PM WED MAR 27 2024
i had 3 milk-based drinks on monday and by the end of the day i scared myself with how it looked like there was something growing inside of me (Wait im Bloated). please dont tell me im becoming lactose intolerant. as a result of this though, instead of my usual Matcha Latte, i tried doing 1 scoop of matcha + ice cubes + 3/4 cold water + a splash of milk + 1 pump of vanilla syrup and IDK i think it tastes pretty comparable. the vanilla syrup is doing a lot of the work here though, i think its too much for the amount i made. ive never really liked the way milk lingers in my mouth anyway. next step would be to figure out how to condense this order of operations into a single sentence so that i can try ordering this somewhere. the portable CD player i bought on ebay last week arrived in the mail yesterday! its a panasonic sl-sx281c. i tested it out by listening to Never Say Never by Brandy. i rarely order things online; i was refreshing the mail tracking website several times a day. going to try to make at least one entry a day in april (moldy birth month!)(also exams/finals month... but then i'll be free until fall!). we'll see how that goes though. the following is something i typed out and posted yesterday night: "[...] Yes i do have things due but my New Philosophy is: What use is there in being miserable, trading a life with infrequent joy in the present for the hope of joy in a future that is not guaranteed. No im not just coping, no im not just making excuses. Welllll. Maybe i am but is that so wrong? I hope you all smiled today and if not today then smile tomorrow. The tomorrow that is not a given but is a Gift. [...]" 12:50PM.
3:00AM FRI MAR 15 2024
haven't written anything in a while. i dont really feel like this is Log-Worthy material but i want to talk myself through this issue at hand (read: complain). im so sleepy. just as i started to finally Finally feel resolved, like i have a game plan, my head flops over as though i cant even muster up the strength (?) to keep myself upright (im typing this in bed, already not the actions of someone who is genuinely confident in my ability to finish this assignment tonight). wah wah wah How about a short nap. 3:05AM.
12:43AM WED FEB 7 2024
went to go and see a movie alone this (or should i say yesterday... it always feels strange to consider something that happened within the same period of being awake as being a separate day. if that makes sense. i think it'd make more sense if i wasn't trying to fit this all into one parenthetical. are all parentheses parenthetical expressions? are all parentheticals in parentheses? something i could easily look up but i choose not to. now where was i. close parenthesis.) evening. it was around a 20 minute walk away from where i live, but i was speedwalking so it was more like a 15 minute walk. the movie itself was not bad. the ticket was five dollars because the theater was having a promotion. i wore comfortable clothes under my coat. there were only 3 other people in the theater with me and we were all sitting far apart. when i got back to my residence, i got an ice cream sandwich (something i don't usually get to do, since i usually only stop by the dining hall for meals or for snacks to eat on my walk to class. if im getting dinner to take to my room, if i got ice cream, it would melt before i could finish eating dinner. and i don't believe in eating ice cream if im going to have to eat dinner right after. if there's more than 15 mins between, then that's fine. but if i really waited that long, my dinner would get cold! longwinded explanation for a minor detail of my day). i finally received a postcard + sticker package my friend who goes to school in a different city sent me before the new year! now i really need to Hustle and start working on a package to send back. i got positive feedback on a writing assignment for my history class (the one with the TA is think is cool lol) but i got 15% of what wouldve been a good mark deducted because of how late i submitted it waaah. another due date for this class is coming up but i haven't started the assignment. ... ......... ><.. i should go to sleep now. im trying to not feel so tired during the day. but i have so much i want to do! and so much i have to do. grabbing my head and hair. its so not that serious though. i didnt even do that, im just exaggerating for comedic effect. if it weren't so late and if i weren't so calm, maybe i really would. grip my hair and head dramatically, that is. hey didn't i say i should go to sleep. And yet my fingers wont stop typing. transcribing my thoughts... i think my roommate hasn't fallen asleep yet. i wonder if he thinks im hard at work. more like Hardly Working! Ha ha ha. that's a good place to end. 12:59AM.
11:42AM WED JAN 31 2024
my hot vanilla bean latte tastes off. my guess would be that the milk was burnt maybe. the cup was way hotter than i think it shouldve felt & its really foamy for a latte. my inflated(?) sense of how espresso-based drinks should be made from my unpaid baristaing. baristing. just my volunteer opinion. maybe this is a sign to pick a new default regular order. im not even sure if the vanilla syrup is in here. its like So whatever though. i woke up and found that i had been sleeping face-up diagonally across my bed. that was a sign. an omen. that i would have a diagonal day. LOL. i also had a piece of hair on the top of my head sticking up. going to indulge myself and read for 20 mins. then maybe work for 40 mins. then go to class. i went to my morning lecture (history of architecture) but i spent nearly the whole time Surfing the Web. i forgot to pack my notes folder so i was stuck taking notes on my laptop. and the temptation was too great... but i cant blame my computer. i tend to rationalize not paying attention to my lectures when im tired. i tell myself im just trying to stay awake. by browsing and scrolling. surely im still at least absorbing some of what the professors say. like what they say about learning languages. im just "familiarizing myself with the language." my right leg fell asleep. 12:00PM.
3:06PM MON JAN 22 2024
sitting in the library (im something of a regular here), sipping the last of a matcha latte i made. (its a bit bitter). ive started journalling again in a diary ive been using on and off over the past 3 years (such a long period of time to be using the same notebook. only barely halfway through LOL). and i noticed, after coming back to my dorm room yesterday night, that my roommate has a (new? and identical?) notebook on his desk. im 90% sure he saw me writing in mine on friday. but maybe im placing too much faith (?) in my Influential Power. i dont think he's nearly as curious about me and my life as i am about him and his life. but i can admit that im a bit much. a bit. Lol. in other news! >6000 views! also i bleached my hair yesterday evening but i mixed too much bleach (i panicked and just slathered the rest over the rest of my hair. after all i went through to selectively apply it in small streaks..) & i washed it out too soon (the lightest parts are a reddish brown, definitely not blonde). bit disappointing. i might try again next week LOL. i think my hair can take it. third lol of the entry. i spent most of the weekend watching a tv show. which i thought had 16 episodes (conventional episode count, a good clean number). but turns out there's 17. i made it to episode 16 but i feel that ive lost some interest. so who knows if i'll actually finish the show. i'd like to, just so i can say (to myself) that i completed it. but two whole hours... (the show is called coffee prince by the way, a 2007 korean romcom series. the main couple has a quasi-homosexual hetero situationship. which was the main draw for me If Im Being Honest. and all the old phones! lots of dramatic hanging up by flipping or sliding phones shut. its all very 2007. whatever that means. corny at times). and im just now realizing that i already mentionned that i started writing in my journal again recently. LOL. (reaching my lol limit). my habit of repeating my stories because i come up with things to say & forget where i've told them/who i've told them to. lots of deadlines this weeek -_-. im weak. Haha. might still take time to finish the novel im reading before starting to work. we'll seeeee. ><. my recent favourite emoticon. like saying Kyaa! vs code isn't a fan though. the second character is in red. VS Code hates fun. or whatever. here's to a good week. here's to a week of change. or of continuation. or of whatever. 3:41PM.
1:21PM FRI JAN 19 2024
back again for a quick note. my TA for my history course seems really cool. maybe i should bleach my hair. this weekend? while i was in the library before class, i saw one of the library assistants looking for a book that someone placed a hold for. she was holding a sheet of paper with information on it which i assume included the call number. which like omg! thats soo sort of kind of like what i do! (pharmacy assistant). last week i wore my hair down everyday since it consistently looked fine. but ive been wearing it tied up in a ponytail everyday this week. back on the grind (the ponytail grind). 1:33PM.
11:18AM FRI JAN 19 2024
what am i to dooo ive been so sleepy these days. considering getting into fragrances and perfumes. i dont really like strong smells though. trying to decide between getting a flip phone (a functioning one) or a 3ds. i went indoor skating at my school's arena yesterday. went much more smoothly than my first time which was last week. i wrote in my physical journal last night for the first time in 2 months. i dont have it with me right now though since im out. in class LOL. i need to work on a draft of an assignment to bring to get peer-reviewed later today but i have noothing and im so sleepy. i'll still try to get something started. but like whatever. its friday friday Im Going To Get Down On Fridayy. and by "get down" i mean. well. what do i mean? after well over a week of near silence between us, i finally reached out to my roommate (through text message) to ask Hey. What's your problem with me? or at least that's what i meant. but of course i didn't write that. my roommate replied that he's trying to "avoid being only around me" and that i "only have negative things to say about my day." but that he isn't mad at me or purposely avoiding me. my first reply was "Phew!!!!! Ok" but the more i think about it the less Phew Ok i feel. this was on monday. when we were applying for residence i had a feeling that living together wouldn't a good idea. but like Whatever! ending on a bit of a negative note. i feel like i always need to explain myself and clarify what i mean and provide enough context so that im not being misunderstood. and when i don't get to explain myself fully i can't stop thinking about it. 11:40AM.
2:35PM MON JAN 8 2024
finished one of my class readings for wednesday. its the shortest one but thats fine. im reading My Solo Exchange Diary 2 by Nagata Kabi right now. sitting in the middle of the library where anyone can see me is not Ideal but earlier when i first came in, all the more secluded spots were taken & i dont want to pack up and move now that ive already been sitting. set the book down for a bit to start typing because i felt myself tearing up. Lol. worried that im reading an account of what my life will be like. but amid the despair there's hope. there's kindness. Omg stop. also crazy coincidence: in volume 1 of My Solo Exchange Diary at some point theres a panel with a translation note that kabi can mean mold in japanese. like OMG. mold as in me ? i think i'll leave after i finish this section in the book. saving the last bit for the next time i come to the library. 2:42PM.
1:27PM MON JAN 8 2024
just burnt my whole tongue T_T. i packed myself tea this morning (something i dont usually do) in an insulated waterbottle (something i dont usually use). first day of class so why is the library so packed. im going to try to commit to working for at least 1 hour each day. idea i got from some professor talking in a tiktok giving Advice For Students Who Struggle With Time Management. 1:30PM.
4:27 AM THU JAN 4 2024
Oh My Goodness! really it (the time i go to sleep) just gets later and later. anyway. just spent nearly an hour replying to an email. i've had two separate (i assume...) people comment that my writing reads like im texting a friend. Oh my Goodness Reality is Really Setting in. im going to have to come back to this topic. whatever it is i want to say. frankly not quite sure myself. ive suddenly become very worried that someone (probably my dad) will catch me still awake. i feel 13 all over again. abrupt end. im also getting hungry. Because its so late. early. no, late. for me at least. from my perspective. 4:35AM.
12:24 AM WED JAN 3 2024
ate three clementines in one sitting. one of them was hard to peel but i think it tasted the best. slept for Eleven hours last night! my phone died while i was asleep so i didn't even know what time it was when i first woke up. i didn't get much sleep for the 3 days before so i guess i was tired. and i had two dreams back to back that i was trying to prolong, just to see where they would go. in one of them i was walking with someone i used to be classmates with to her part-time job (that i made up). in the second dream, i was taking the subway. saw a video earlier today where someone was talking about how as a student, she thinks about the year as beginning from september, not january, and so when reflecting on the year (september to december), she doesn't remember the Horrors of April and May (for example). so real! experienced this exact Phenomenon while trying to write out the 2023 Mold Awards. more that i want to record but i think this is long enough for a log entry (considering i didn't really do much today Lol) and because i need to get ready for bed. just killing time, after eating the clementines, before going to brush my teeth. not just staying up for no reason... (lie). 12:42AM.
2:21 AM TUE JAN 2 2024
first entry of the new year! also completely missed when i reached 5000 site views! i wonder what counts as a view. surely there aren't 5000 people who've seen my website... strange to think about. and in that same vein, my recent log entries have been so all over the place, now that i'm skimming them before uploading the changes. and also quite frivolous. ice skated today at an outdoor rink. my first time skating in over a year so it took a little while to get back used to it. very cold outside. i washed my duvet and duvet cover today. lots of dust. i plan on vacuuming tomorrow. i've been planning on getting back into teaching myself how to play the guitar but my guitar strings are so rusty. Literally! and i was reminded today that strings can snap & as such potentially smack me in the face. so maybe i'll wait to get it restringed first. accidentally cut a chunk from my hair that i didnt mean to cut. will assess the damage in the morning. just reread what i've typed out for this entry so far. sentence number 6 is not really in the same vein at all. what vein am i talking about. maybe in the same circulatory system. what! In 2024 We Get Awesome. all from me for now. 2:38AM.
5:08PM FRI DEC 29 2023
eating a banana with a slice of banana bread i made this morning. got a covid vaccine today so my left arm is sore. my mom got me a job with her friend, also this morning. i start Tomorrow Morning. i put a lot of chocolate chips in the banana bread this time. i went to the library to borrow more books. that i don't think i'll realistically get around to finishing. or starting -__-;. it's like window shopping. i trimmed my hair last night & used thinning shears. before showering, i tried using a hair straightener on my hair. i had no idea what i was doing with it though :P. i was trying to get it to flick down or out in a 2004 kind of way. actually the sides looked fine, it was my bangs that ended up flat in a bad way. i think i need to let some parts grow out. i fell asleep with damp hair (because it was already so late at night. or would it be considered morning LOL...). almost finished the banana i was eating when i started this entry. one bite left. 5:18PM.
2:00AM THU DEC 28 2023
i want to change my sheets but i dont want to leave my room this late at night to look for where the clean sheets are. i have some duvet covers in my room right now but they're too small. they're from my dorm bed that i brought back to wash. in other news, im already starting to worry about when this school year ends and i stop living in residence, away from home, close to school, and with my roommate. they're probably the first best friend i've had in 7 years. but i have no idea where i stand to them. Are we Besties? For Life? For Ever? im hungry now but i already brushed my teeth. :/. thinking about if i should create a new log page for the new year or otherwise make it easier to navigate without having to scroll so much with all the words blurring together. but i kind of like it like that. it makes each word more anonymous. or something. what am i saying lol. 2:11AM.
11:59PM WED DEC 20 2023
oh its so bad. i'm not going to look at my student email until the new semester begins. Wah. sniffle. 12:00AM.
7:53PM WED DEC 20 2023
yesterday night, when my dad came into my room to tell me to turn off my light and go to sleep (i was already in bed, under my covers, on the verge of falling asleep before having brushed my teeth), he said something about how instead of saying that i "gave up" on doing something, i should use a different phrase. but i cant remember it now. 7:55PM
4:31PM WED DEC 20 2023
first time being sick in maybe 2 years. its so terrible. i saw it coming since monday. im hoping it clear up soon. as in before tomorrow.. or friday.. T_T. todays the abosolute last day of the semester. i have 3 assingments i need to hand in. not exactly very hopeful. one of them is a tech project but the software im using keeps freezing. i feel so terrrrrible. what even is the point. i had plans to see my friend on friday. we were going to see the boy and the heron in theaters. T_T. i stayed up all night on monday to work and i think that might be why. my immune system suffered greatly. and i didnt even do much work at all! i spent at least half of the time texting my friend or otherwise being on my phone. so pointless! Reaping What I Sow. 4:45PM.
10:26PM SUN DEC 17 2023
bits and pieces from my dreams last night keep floating around in my head but i dont remember enough of them to actually write them down. some scenario where im probably agnostic and another scenario where a friend of mine said their arms are "Swole".. no idea why either of those were relevant. 10:28PM.
1:48AM SUN DEC 17 2023
some miscellaneous thoughts ive been thinking lately (writing now before i start Working...). my closest friendship is kind of detached and we leave each other alone. actually i don't know if this is just how it feels recently that we've both been busier. and really i think this is a problem i have. i dont even really touch other people at all. Oh my god im going to stop writing about this because i dont think i really want to be exploring this topic further. i like wearing hoodies with the hood up because it hides the back of my hair and flattens my bangs in a boyish way. but i rarely ever wear hoodies out because all of mine have designs printed on them from high school clubs. actually was not that many thoughts. the heater beside me right now is only warming one side of my face and i feel uneven and its not great. but i like the nice warm orangeish glow its casting. 1:58AM.
10:53AM SAT DEC 16 2023
sitting in front of a heater and eating clementines is really great. still have 3 more assignments to do before im free. for the semester that is. if i had done everything on time, i would only have one left.. but still. i think at this point (only 1-2 days left for me to get anything in) i just need to DO SOMETHING! and then feel sorry for whoever's going to have to mark the word slop. didn't do much of anything yesterday because i woke up after 12... Day Ruined. 11:10AM.
1:30AM THU DEC 14 2023
lots of things i would have liked to document and report on over this past week but now it feels like too much time has passed and it wont be the same... i have an exam in the morning. its an online one and its open book and ive been convincing myself that the questions wont be too hard and that the responses wont be marked too harshly. and so ive been putting aside studying. well at least i attended all the lectures...... but actually often when i think things will be fine, they aren't, and when i think things will go terribly, they don't, so maybe i'll go to sleep (after i finish writing this) worried, just in case it helps. what am i even saying. Oh the things I'll do instead of actually studying.. i swear i had something else i wanted to write that i thought of while i was brushing my teeth (drafting my entry in my head) but i can't rememeber it now. whatever! i'll just sleeeep.. and hopefully i'll be able to write more coherently than this for my exam. kaomoji with the fists. 1:39AM.
9:58PM THU DEC 7 2023
went HORRIBLY~! almost nearly did start tearing up toward the end of my turn to get feedback from my instructor and TA. its fine i guess since almost everyone had already left by that point. went so overtime. the practical today was supposed to be over by 8. couldn't even properly thank my TA for staying so late as he was leaving. i hope my instructor and TA couldn't tell. i hope my watery eyes could've passed for just being tired. (doubtful..). was talking to myself (actually more like whispering to myself) the whole walk back. but i do that all the time when im alone Lol. when i got back to my room, as i was opening the door, i saw all the lights were off. i closed the door soooo quietly and turned my phone flashlight on & stood in the corner quietly taking my scarf and coat off. because i thought my roommate was already asleep. reasonable assumption considering they said they might go to bed before i get back re: the extra slice of banana bread i got - see previous entry. but i was totally Pranked!!!!! got a text a couple minutes later, while i was standing in the dark, that they were going to head back "in a minute" :P. reread the entry before last and i have no clue now what i meant by "juwan from no home." How? All in my head? Memory problems? sent 3 emails to 3 different TAs as per the suggestion from the learning strategist. waited until i got out of my practical to send them because i didn't want to risk getting a reply & reading the notification while i was out. University wants me to die an earlier death! Wants me to have a shorter lifespan! not going to get much sleep tonight or probably tomorrow and probably the day after and maybe even the day after that and and and. ... It's Not Over Until It's Over. 10:17PM.
3:57PM THU DEC 7 2023
after my last lecture of this semester (The End Is In Sight!) i went to get a snack to eat (Small Vanilla Bean Latte and hm... A Piece of Banana Loaf please slight smile emoji). and when i look in the brown paper bag the cafe food comes in, there's not one but Two pieces! i didn't say anything but i made sure to smile again when leaving. somehow i feel like im supposed to be paying it forward or something. offering my extra slice. i had an online meeting with a Learning Strategist this morning. going to work on my studio piece for the next hour now until my last practical of this semester (The End Is Near..) 4:04PM.
9:12PM TUE DEC 5 2023
SO EMBARASSING! Oh mein gott. but really now that i think about it for a little bit and im calming down, why this new information to anyone! cryptic messaging. for vague context, ive been asking my roommate throughout this semester various questions about how i / a normal person should respond to various messages / situations. and also recently we havent been talking much, maybe (probably?) because of finals (right after midterms too). Well yeah. I am kind of twelve years old. -____T. also almost everytime i speak with my studio instructor, she tells me i have A Lot Of Work Ahead Of Me. and that Im Really Behind. and that Im Spending Too Long On Insignificant Details. really kind of terrible. really disheartening. but i want her to like me. or at least my work. Ohhh my god. Gott. even though i haven't been doing any of my other assignments, and ive only been working on my studio file. They want me gone!!!!!! spent most of today with my mom; i ate lunch at home & then we went to ikea. i was supposed to have a wisdom tooth consultation appointment today but it got cancelled by the surgeon's office. i got a vanilla frozen yogurt cone and a veggie dog. found out that ikea makes a tiny version of the Alien. someone left a beanie boo on a table on display. also saw my grandma briefly and called my sister. Really Howwww am i supposed to get anything done. Is it worth making a joke. Is it not obvious after living with me for any period of time that i don't exactly involve myself or really even have the opportunity to involve myself if i wanted in most types of Situations.. i thought we were in this together .. Lol. Lol. Guy who doesn't play about the loser lifestyle. Guy who can definitely name 5 songs. its so not serious though. Oh my god! This is just like what happened to juwan in no home! (Um no it isnt. Um and this is a perfectly mature and reasonable reaction. Connecting yourself to a character. Yep.) im going to finish taking notes for the video lecture i started yesterday. and do my weekly modern art history theory online multiple choice quiz. and then work on my studio final. and then not do much of anything else. not that i could finish my studio work tonight anyway. i reaaaaally didn't want to submit my last modern art assignment late but What Choice Do I Have! Oh my. Getting Emotional. It's Fine. 9:46PM.
12:17PM MON DEC 4 2023
new month, old me.. i think maybe its not very helpful or useful or worthwhile to keep telling myself that This Month I Will Be On Top Of Things Unlike All The Months Before. but next semester should be better for me. less writing courses; 2 studio courses & a food chemistry class (so it'll have a different kind of coursework i hope). im optimistic. i just need to get through the next 2 ish weeks.. then i'll get it together. (like the osaka azumanga daioh picture. Lol. not contradicting myself. things will really be fine. Lol. Lool! seriously not contradicting what i just said at the beginning of this entry though. Its different.) finally had my 10 minute presentation of my term paper for my elective class. i woke up at 8 (ish) after half sleeping through my 6:20 alarm and i only got out of bed at 8:30.. for my 9 am class. so i had a chocolate danish while walking. having a latte in the library right now after i finishing a sandwich (no food allowed inside the library). lately ive been getting a small vanilla bean latte but i asked for a plain regular latte today and i was surprised by how not sweet it was. Well duh! going to try and get a pair of jeans that don't fit right exchanged at the thrift store i got them at 2 weeks ago later today, between my classes. and then i have to work. seriously messed up. Took "her" (my work) to the library and then i "Freaked" it (lets hope.) ...going to take notes for a recorded video lecture from 3 weeks ago, since we need to submit our class notes for a completion mark by the 6th. not really top priority buuut. 12:31 PM.
3:39PM MON NOV 27 2023
late last night i was talking (read: complaining) to my roommate and they were giving me suggestions but it was really too uncomfortable for me. i think this is a real and serious problem i have. and also i even joked about this out loud then but where am i supposed to be looking and what expression am i supposed to have on my face while im listening to solutions after having confessed to failing Chronically and saying that i Knoww haha. haha. ha. and toward the end i had to pour myself more water into my cup to drink it and hide my face in the cup and then when the water in the brita filter was gone i had to just turn and face forward so that i would be hidden from view behind the wardrobe between our desks. and i hope i didn't make anything weird. but im saying all this now to 1. document this for who knows why and 2. because its so fine like seriously though. like i think things are actually managable. if i just change my habits a bit. found out the ZINE CLUB at my school is run by an artist in grad school in my faculty who my roommate and i have been following on instagram and i found this all out by coinicidence. im going to tell them about this when i get back later. i have a problem with idolizing real people i vaguely know and it stops me from being able to be normal and talk to them. my calves hurt. wearing a cardigan i thrifted last tuesday. a cold day today unfortunately. Brrrrr. but its going to be ok! positive self talk. 3:49PM.
9:27PM SUN NOV 26 2023
got my flu shot today. got pho and congee afterward with my mom and sister at a vietnamese restaurant near the pharmacy. and we shared a Sago Taro Milk Tea Warm 30% Sugar afterward and i took what was left of it with me when i left to go back to my residence. a rainy afternoon. i finally finished the book ive been reading on and off since the end of august. in the car my mom was asking me why i have to keep saying i was Supposed to do this and that. "dont ask me!... \(-_-)/."" and she wouldn't stop laughing because who am i talking about then. helloooo.. eyes on the road! focus on driving please.. -__-. really don't ask me T_-. im really going to stay up to do work tonight. seriously. not very convincing.. But im Serious this time. (i didn't end up working after the last entry i typed in here. not a very promising track record but Trust.) (67% success prediction) 9:34PM.
11:05AM THU NOV 23 2023
got a small Peppermint Cold Foam Cold Brew on a whim and im glad i didn't ask for a medium like i usually do with other drinks because it is so weird. the bits of crushed peppermint on the foam are vaguely bitter and also i dont know why i expected it to be a warm drink considering that the picture for it had ice cube. and also that it has "cold" in its name twice. i also got a bottle of iced green tea with honey at breakfast because i was running so late for my morning lecture (left 3 minutes after it started) that i even ran into my roommate who was coming back to eat after an early morning exam. can't say for certain that caffeine actually makes me feel more awake but we'll see. i havent been getting much sleep for the past 3 days but i also haven't even been using extra time awake to do work. im so behind. waaaah. the plan is that i stay up tonight to work. but for real this time. ... :/. really disheartening to keep carrying over my to do list items day after day. has anyone thought about that? has anyone considered that? anyone care me? 11:13AM.
6:24PM THU NOV 16 2023
just barely 30 minutes later. new crucial topic of discussion/recording. really feels like im being psyop-ed. like someone is out to get me. really horrible like its Over. is it to late for me. ist it too late fur mich. is it too late for me to learn to be normal. to talk to people. to not choose to be alone always. how will i ever survive in this Dog Gone stupid baka networking world. introducing a new character. guy in my studio who really annoys me but would be less annoying if he were gay (i.e. uninterested in acting this way for female validation. like Hey girls. Yes i do like vinyls and thrifting. I'm a sensitive kind of guy. who also happens to like to Partyy. i might be projecting sorry.) so over it already. cold and hungry Let me out!!!!! really should quickly talk to my instructor before she leaves but i think this is maybe Not A Good Time for me. Not in a good space. its hard being a nonchalant chalant earnest alert loser kind of individual. Brrr. going to put on my sweater. and wallow in self-pity. grimace emoji. 6:45PM
5:55PM THU NOV 16 2023
writing this while in studio. Oh its horrible. actually was not horrible until i was reminded of Everything 20 or so minutes ago. really why. really hate hate HATE explaining myself when asked. Pleeease its less miserable to me if i just got the 50% late mark deduction than being asked directly if there's any reason Why i submitted my work so late. like Pleeease. Please. not really sure why im pleading. this isnt really a pleading situation. not what this calls for. maybe i'll tell my mom and ask what i should do. Ughjhhh. still an hour until i can leave. and so hungry. and the chair to desk height relationship is so terrible. Waaah waah wah. maybe i just need to forget about things for a bit. for my #MentalWellness. well actually that is a very bad idea. writing just to complain i guess. going to the washroom. Wah. 6:01PM
10:04PM SUN OCT 29 2023
abrupt ending to the last entry because my roommate got out of the shower and started scrolling on their phone while lying face down diagonally on the corner of their bed and so naturally i joined in but i wasnt even on my phone for the first hour or so (.....ended up being 4 hours of lie on bed and do nothing until i almost fall asleep and i have to drag myself out of bed to brush my teeth) i was just listening to them read out tweets. not going to be continuing the last entry either because Frankly we have bigger fish to fry (need to get this out onto this html file as soon as possible so that i can finally finish and submit my assignment)(the reflection i was working on as mentioned in the entry before last..). recent surge in events and thoughts to scare/convince/further prove to me that i need to be careful about what i think for fear that it might come true in some way. not exactly that i think im so powerful that i think my thoughts can change the future and shape the world but more so my longstanding belief that i have the gift curse of being able to predict things very accurately sometimes. Prophesizing. im kiiiiding. grimace emoji. really freaking me out a bit at times. maybe this is like pattern recognition To The Max. Making Connections. not even like that though. Lets all distract ourselves. Lets all scroll. Lets all open Microsoft Word documents and continue typing. grimace emoji. 10:14PM.
11:23PM FRI OCT 27 2023
tying this after showering after getting back from the concert (see previous entry) (baby's first "Hardcore" concert experience) with a left wrist that hurts bad (exaggeration) and knees that hurt bad (less of an exaggeration) after i got shoved and FELL toward the end of the show when i decided to try "getting in the pit" "moshing" (right whats all this then) and not 1 minute later this happens to me. got up and "brushed it off" but like Whyyyyy. all ages show but my more experienced roommate friend agreed with me that it felt very Juvenile. very "im in high school and i want an excuse to punch people and be annoyed" demographics wise. Owww. and no one even knew that i was Asa from Chainsaw Man so i really didnt have to be trying this hard and agonizing over the costume. i couldve just done what i did last year where i wore a dress shirt,
4:29PM WED OCT 25 2023
typing this in the library with a timer running that i set to give myself an amount of time to write the outline for a reflection due TOMORROW NIGHT (one of three assignments due tomorrow.. the other two are in similar states of incompletion...) went to the thrift store yesterday with my friend roommate to find stuff for our halloween costumes. he's going to be a character from soul eater and im going to be asa from chainsaw man. i couldn't find a pinafore dress (?)(whatever her black uniform apron dress thing is called) that was similar enough but it was getting late and i'll be busy until friday (my roommate wants us to go to an album release concert where the tickets are 5 dollars cheaper if you show up in a costume)(see beginning of entry)(my three assignments due on thursday) so i had to cope and get a brown dress with a round neckline and thats a little too big in the chest and a little too small at the waist and skirt and thats ten dollars more than id have reasonally paid for it but its whateveeer...... asked about the return policy before checking out. but i think ill just have to stick with it. going to try to get black rit dye.. we'll see how it works... at least the rest of what she wears is pretty straightforward. i like halloween in theory but i never really have any big plans and i typically wait too long to decide what to dress up as. my roommate is really big on halloween though. two costumes planned. kept losing yesterday it was almost funny. but its sooo fine. sophmore slump or comeback of the year (just going from memory here. not sure if i got that right). yesterday was warmup today is GAME TIME. yawwwwn -__-.. -__-..... -_- -_-.. o_o.. ... -_______-
6:24PM TUES SEP 5 2023
typing this while i eat food that i got in a reusable dining-hall-provided takeout container an hour ago to a. avoid the dinner rush and long lines and b. be able to eat alone in my room (my roommate is out until later tonight). have been eating the same potato salad every dinner so far. tried the coleslaw today. its pretty good minus the carrots. the "focaccia pizza" is kind of bad. not a fan of this feta cheese and i think the green stuff on it is cilantro. i was hoping it was just parsley but alas. spent almost double what i should have and i think its because of the lasagna and corn cob being heavy. oops. it should be fine... very very sweaty these past few days. really terrible. skipped out on going to the overpriced vintage shops today but i did manage to catch a 45-minute free museum tour. love museums. love rocks. love listening to facts in this way. i was on the tour alone because my group member friend didnt want to go on it lol. but i think that was better for me. enjoyed listening to music while looking at the minerals for 20 minutes after the tour ended but before i met back up with the oriention group friend. sucked how i was late and missed most of the scavenger hunt building tour this morning. woke up later than i should have and i also probably shouldn't have gotten breakfast in the dining hall when i saw how slowly the line was moving. was kind of fun to eat a greek yogurt with a small steel reusable spoon while walking outside. a food themed entry it would seem. im constipated. about an hour before my roommate is supposed to get back. lets see if i can have a Bowel Movement in that time. (not very hopeful..). 6.50PM.
9:51PM SUN SEP 3 2023
first night in res, i can't remember the last time i showered this early (writing this with slightly damp hair which has been air-drying for the past hour). the dining hall food is not bad but its salty. its so weird talking to people ive never met in the hallways. i think the small talk is working and i hope i seem like a friendly nice Normal person but also this is not exactly Who I Am. BTW. Just so you're aware. i have to giggle a bit after i leave because i cant believe how im improvising and coming up with this stuff to say. the inverse (?) of this is that im not very good at responding to when my roommate is talking to me. im not used to having to react and respond so much at once in one day. but i'll adjust. i dont like the desk chair in the room so im typing this in bed right now (i can feel the computer get gradually warmer..). really wrong how the only sink in the room is the one in the bathroom. orientation starts tomorrow morning. ... . .. (not morse code or anything, just a representation of how i feel about this impending 3-day event). still no job offers. Should I krill myself? (shrimp emoji). 10:03PM.
11:46PM THU AUG 31 2023
unintentional update 1 week later. wrote and submitted my first cover letter. succumbed to the devil of seeking employment. will attempt to write another tomorrow. it never ends.. and i need to pack!!!! desperately need to pack. Woah. terrible afternoon of being trapped in the washroom but then a walk to the library and then to the grocery store to buy some ready-made food with my sister because we suddenly got so soooo hungry after not eating a proper lunch (oops) (due to my aforementioned torturous afternoon toilet situation). scheming before we got to the cashier. need to do my duolingo for today before i lose my perfect streak. 11:54PM.
10:25PM THU AUG 24 2023
the skin on my left cheek is much drier than the rest of my face right now, not sure why. just over 2 weeks until i move into my dorm. going to go to ikea this weekend with my friend who is also going to be my roommate. it feels like i havent seen them in ages but i think its only been 3 weeks. well, i guess that can be a pretty substantial amount of time to not see someone. realized the other day that of my three friends i see semiregularly, one of them is moving out of town, one is moving out of the country, and one i'll be living with. LOLL. worried about sharing our washroom. specifically the toilet. ive been thinking of getting a cheap digital camera to somehow document the coming school year. taking videos would be ideal so that i can edit the footage into #vlogs but idk if i can handle pointing a camera at things for a sustained period of time (longer than it would take to click the shutter button and then stuff the camera back into my pocket) (because of the supposed embarassment). unless i tell myself its exposure therapy. LOL like in photography. ISO. Aperture. Shutter speed. Get it? haha. ive been watching this guy on youtube's vlogs of him in architecture school but i can only watch so many clips of him and his All-Asian Friend Group (mildly topical topic of discussion on tiktok) eating korean barbecue and thumbs-upping his way through getting haircuts and cooking salmon and sitting at cafes and whatever else it is that he does to a soundtrack of lofi kpop covers. sorry if that sounds mean. im sure he is living a successful fulfilling life. im sure he works hard. i dont know why i keep watching these videos. backpedaling. i gave up on my plan to apply for a work study position as a kitchen assistant after it took me 6 minutes to peel 5 small potatoes. relieved that i can live another day without having to write a cover letter. i do need to get a job though. maybe phone really does = bad. ive been bringing the book im reading with me from room to room but it just lies beside my pillow as i scroll on my phone in bed. 10:55PM.