12:02AM MON NOV 25 2024
(some lists from this weekend; prior note to self "Should get into [...] writing lists with reckless abandon," previous note in notebook "Instead of comics why dont i just make LISTS")

(friday's lists)

Things that are addictive
>peeling lips
>exchanging emails
>solitaire
>[access to] earbuds

Toppings for Banana Bread
>peanut butter marbling
>black sesame seeds + oats

(today's lists)

11:35PM (11/24)
>pg 17/24 of [title of pdf for] reading from last week
>shower
>remove last week's laundry from the drying rack
>take out laundry
>read (or at least start reading) this week (tomorrow)'s reading [same class as the one the reading from last week is for]
> duolingo
>brush teeth
>start ["experimental" drawing class] artist statement doc?
>plan out errand trips for the week
>test out base sheet for [drawing class see above] piece (try using the scanner on a 11x14 sheet?)
>finish Nana vol 17

(written in the edges)
finishing the last of the earl grey milk tea i made earlier with a tea bag from the cafe & condensed milk in my snoopy cup. getting into mug beverages like I told myself I could. It's alright. milk tea always makes my mouth (tongue) feel gross. Should I type this list up? Should I post it to my blooooog? Should we invite bella hadid?

(written on the left page)
the chime of the washing machine letting me know its done Please Stoop[sic]... I know its 11:50 & I still havent washed..... my heart rate is becoming elevated #cortisol <– I don't think you know what that is.

just spent ~10 minutes trying to explain my (idea for my) piece to myself. will need to do some more thinking. actually, will need to do some Doing. yes that's it, probably.

spent a lot of today sleeping and reading comics for ladies (yes i am a mature adult lady who is interested in the professional life of a mature adult lady such as myself)(two truths and 1 lie). put my laundry in so late because i was sitting on the floor in front of the half-full machine, distracted and reading. woke up at 10 to write in my notes app about two unrelated dreams i had back to back this morning. went back to sleep and woke up at 12. took another nap in the afternoon. the day was over by 5:30 (or so it felt)... tried Khanom Thuai (although the reciept said "Kanom Tauy"?) today and it was quite good! also tried a pizza pocket. the replacement cable is supposed to arrive on monday evening, how will i thrive/survive the day ahead of me. here's to hoping. 12:39AM.

12:53PM FRI NOV 22 2024
after just over 4 months, my iems are breaking Sigh. im 90% sure its just the cable, which is fine i guess because that can be replaced, but its still such a hassle! i might have been handling it too aggressively; i was winding and unwinding it in class yesterday evening, trying to get the hang of "roadie wrapping" the cable. which is supposed to help the cord last longer But Here We Are. good and bad that its the weekend.
how am i supposed to do anything without being able to muffle sound and/or play music?
my noise addiction. my audio dependence.
i was looking online and its really quite unfortunate that there are not many options. the ones i have right now have a mic and use usb c (no dongle yay) but it seems like my best options are to just get a 3.5mm jack one and an adapter Sigh (yes dongle boooo. well i suppose its versatile). not into this. i also need to get a waterbottle! maybe i should just go out today. i could go to the library to work and then [got distracted looking on the ikea website.] 1:15PM.

12:04PM MON NOV 11 2024
just ate a whole large almond croissant and i can tell its was too much. i was trying to finish it before getting to the library; the almond filling goop had leaked all over the top of the paper (?) bag and i didn't want to deal with the potential mess of packing it back up and putting it back into my backpack.
whatever they say, dont listen, girl.
(but if "they" tell you not to finish the almond croissant, listen, girl.)

actually i got it because on thursday, the girl i was with got one (and she was hating on my choice of lemon and cranberry scone -_-). did some successful texting last night. i have fun trying to come up with witty comments under people's private accounts. maybe its the performance aspect. pile of untouched library books.
when i dislike people beyond hope i would rather not engage with them and i wonder what makes people do what i wouldn't do. saw someones comment (while i was stalking their page yes what about it.) and i was wrapping my mind around it and why i felt so defensive even though it wasn't aimed at me (guilty conscience?). ultimately i dont think the argument makes much sense and i think it was written just to prove a point, which i can understand and whose basic principle i agree with. i will remember this but i won't let it take up too much space in my head. working on this. (no not really) whatever they say acapella version. woah oh ohh. are you (a) good girl? 12:26PM.

10:13AM WED NOV 6 2024
abnormally warm for november. wearing a tshirt and a windbreaker and sitting on a bench outside. thoughts on pointless things (the word i mean is escaping me... sleep deprivation is real i think my cognition and mood are inconsistent). FUTILITY (just remembered it).

set an alarm early (7:35AM which is early to me when it's already past 1 am) but consciously decided to sleep through it because i woke up and i was still tired. woke back up at 8:13AM because of all the noise and also maybe the guilt. to make it in time for the 9:30 AM woodshop drop-in mandatory orientation session (which i only recently found out i need to complete before my studio courses next semester), i needed to leave by at leeeeeast 8:30. complained out loud (although no one was listening) that if i didn't go today, i would have to go tomorrow (when i have class until late in the evening) or friday (when i don't ordinarily have to drag myself to campus) since this is the last week they're running the training. so i got ready in 15 minutes, forgoing several steps in my routine like sunscreen, breakfast, and giving up on my hair. made it to the workshop at 9:54 (delays "out of my control" <-- its true though) and got turned away in front of a small crowd because they were "wrapping up in about 5 minutes. there's another session tomorrow though".
should i just drop out?
drinking a meal replacement drink that has been in my bag for a month. im sure my hour commute is baby numbers to many people but i can't help but think (hope) that this can't be normal. there isn't even any point in attempting to become a cyclist when bikes are so unwieldly on the bus and subway. wow reliable mobility is important. i don't have class for another 2 hours. do i go to get something to eat or do i get something to drink or do i just go to the library (conserving my energy). my back is starting to hurt from being hunched over on the bench. im really not passionate about architecture or its community. sweet fruit juice or tea would be great but its far. might have mild lactose intolerance. also i've seen the news secondhand. 10:26AM

10:15PM TUE OCT 22 2024
quick entry. something i thought of in the shower that sounds like somethings an instructor would say: Explain Your Work, Don't Try To Explain Yourself. wow no way. but thats really so right. i often run out of breath and start laughing at myself and look up at the ceiling during presentations and critiques, probably because i'm usually not completely proud of my work (hence the feeling like i need to explain myself...). i keep hearing people say that you need to talk to your professors, especially outside of class. this makes no sense to me. i have no questions, or at least none that i want to ask. and so if i don't have questions and i don't have feedback and i'm not a fellow expert in their field, what is there to sayyyy. seriously if i think about this too long im going to cry for no reason. actually i do know part of the reason and it is that there are other people who talk nonetheless. im getting left behindddd im missing outtttt. digital humanities on thursday. OMG im going to run out of time (what's new) to write my ARTIST STATEMENT. going to try to not explain myself. #enigma. i say as i was rereading my recent entries (again) to see if they're ok to share. im going to do it. i thought i was serious about this class! Sigh..... did a lot of sighing today. Sigh. "quick entry". 10:37PM.

3:18AM SUN OCT 20 2024
in anticipation/preparation of finishing a notebook (not something im used to!) i was thinking of scanning my favourite bits from it. but the scanner stopped working for an unknown reason! i tried looking up the error code, then i tried turning it off and on again (genius i know) but i gave up easily when that didn't work. remind me (or don't) (note to self) to write down somewhere my personal thoughts on the concept of buying indulgences. did two loads of laundry yesterday and one load today. sitting by the heater and thinking about the tweet i saw the other day about sitting by a heat lamp to role play as a reptile. got extremely (ok that isn't necessary) positive feedback on an assignment for my minor (which seems to be a very small and relatively new program #niche) and though i was giddy about it when i first opened it up, i need to know how my peers did before i let it inflate my ego; what if the standards are just low? does not help that i had to miss class last week to take another course's midterm... flipped through the slides that were posted and it seems like the professor was talking about how we all did... three assignments left until reading week! didn't do much of anything for them yet but i have 2/3/4 days. need to exchange the jeans that don't fit right. 3:28AM.

4:54PM WED OCT 9 2024
the following entry will be nothing but useless complaining. which i will be so embarassed by once i calm down and get over myself. and will maybe not see the light of day (light of the public web). like what happened with my two entries on monday september 23rd #aborted. and also my fingers are still in the process of thawing. but i need to get this all out soon or else i wont feel like it anymore. my back feels tight and my pants/underwear are bothering me. i might not make it. im sitting on the subway right now, with my laptop in my lap (wow.). i was going to stop by a library Just to write this entry but i decided against it. where do we begin. on monday i spent over 80 dollars on impulsive shopping at the thrift store. 6 items and i only reeeeally love (maybe only just like) one of them. they only allow exchanges, no returns, no store credits, nothing. so. actually i can deal with the 4 other shirts. the jeans i got fit weird though. anyway. i dont typically spend over 80 dollars in a week. so ive been telling myself i'll hold back for at least the rest of this week if not the next. and so i've been coming up with mental workarounds (which, based on yesterday and today, have been followed by immediate regret). on monday as i was walking to the subway holding my bag of clothes, i and several other people walked past a homeless(?) man who was outside the station, asking for help. after i walked past him, i heard him say he had been standing there for over 3 hours and not a single person had helped him. and i had just spent over 80 dollars like it was nothing (in the moment). the next day, for my visual studies drawing class, we went to the lakeshore where there were a few public art pieces installed. the two options were to meet in class at the regular time and then leave together as a group with the instructor, or to get there on our own. i could've gone on my own (and i might've enjoyed it more) but i went to class. there were only 3 other students there. i thought we would be taking public transit but the instructor got us an uber. as we were waiting outside and in the car, i took off my mask (impulse maybe). theres a guy in the class who has been trying to talk to me ever since he overheard me say a single word over the phone to my mom. which already is so weird. but after we got into the van, he turned around and made a comment about how this was the first time he was seeing my face without a mask on. SO WEIRD WHAT PROMPTS SOMEONE TO COMMENT ON THAT? i dont know. isn't that a thought you keep to yourself? literally made me so sick. sorry. sorry. i think thats really harsh. i wish he wouldn't talk to me. this reminds me of my old manager at my summer job last year. but not as bad maybe because he was in his mid twenties. actually the guy in my class is in his fourth year i think. so he's also in his early twenties. Are you some sort of predator? sorry i shouldn't be making jokes like that. i don't mean it like that. anyway. after we finished looking at the three pieces in the area, class ended just like that. i stayed in the area for a bit, sitting on a bench looking out at the water. but it was cold and windy just sitting there so i got up and started walking. i mentally planned a vague route after looking at google maps. walking through a part of the city i had never been in. is this really my same city? it started raining so i hid under a tree for a bit, then i went into an indoor food market i had heard of but never been in. i was thinking of getting a pastry but i decided against it (frivolous purchase; if i'm really going to be spending money again, shouldn't i buy something more nutritious? keen readers might think back to my entry from spetember 11th this year. no little moldy boy, don't try to buy sensible food! oh mein gott.) (i bought a potato and bacon empanada after making two circles of the ground level and another two of the upper level. i wanted to disappear while ordering it). my feet, knees, legs hurt and i was so tired (author's note: my fingers and wrist hurt from typing so fast non-stop for so long). i planned on going to the student union building to see the student-organized palestinian photography exhibit and then go to the library for an hour to work and then go to the movie theatre to watch the halloween wallace and gromit movie. but i didn't do any of them and instead got on the subway to go home (i was the first one home for once). which reminds me of how i was thinking of going to the student-organized screening of a lebanese (?) filmmaker's documentary about the past year in palestine tonight. but look at where i am again. anyway. i wrote a list and planning out the rest of my evening yesterday on the subway and it worked to calm me down! so that's that. i kept falling asleep though. i slept according to plan for once. i got 8 hours last night but while i was trying (and not succeeding) to do one of my readings on the subway this morning (and getting frustrated that none of the words were sticking), i felt like i was still tired. and in class today, i felt mildly congested. maybe just the weather. now my neck feels tight and the back of my hand still. anyway. i walked/took the streetcar/the bus (the latter two were routes i was unfamiliar with)(it wasn't any faster than walking. in fact it was probably slower. i should've just walked even if it would've looked so inexperienced (???) to not stay where i was) to get to an art store (not art supplies) after class today. ive been 2 other times. the first time was with a friend. i missed the timing to press the button on the bus to request a stop so i had to walk back from the one after. as the bus was passing the store, i saw someone inside wearing a jacket that looked like the one i saw my TA wearing the other day. panicked a little bit (oh my god if she's still in the store once i get there, will she think i stalked and followed her? im not having a great day i cant handle a spontaneous conversation even if it would maybe be positive) (but the person with the jacket was gone by the time i got there). there was one other person in the store when i got there. they seemed to be there for the first time and they were chatting with the shop owner. i was taking my time looking at everything inside. i figured i had to buy something. i picked out a 10 dollar niptong sticker sheet and, after spending a conspicuously long time at the pins/magnets for fundraising, i ended up not picking one of the palestinian flag ones (worried i would seem like some sort of poser. What have you done for the cause to allow you to use their flag.) and instead i picked a tiny tree magnet (for a community legal defence fund apparently). (author's note: another 15 minutes has passed between the end of the last sentence and the one to come. i had to get off the subway and onto the bus. also it raining a little bit again. is this related to the hurricanes. i started watching when the levees broke this morning. its posted in two parts on youtube.) the magnet was PWYC, with the suggested donations being between 5 and 20 dollars. i said 7. is it obvious that im trying to not be embarassing. i should've at least said 10 dollars. wanted to die (not serious though) while checking out. i forced myself to say something non-essential before i left. i said something like "its always so fun to see what's new in here :)" and the store owner said something like Oh thanks. as soon as i turned around i grimaced and told myself i'll never make it in the real world. as i was walking back toward campus (although i wouldn't end up heading to the library; scroll up for more), i saw that there were people fundraising (canvassing?) for mental health research stopping people on the street. i adjusted my walking trajectory to avoid them but one of them still stepped toward me to ask if i have a minute to talk about mental health. while i was thinking about stepping into traffic. (and by "stepping into traffic" i mean crossing the street. nothing violent). to close this absurdly and uselessly long wall of text: is there a way for me to survive on my own in a job where all that matters is that i do my menial tasks with minimal supervision or interaction. please it can't end like this. sad anime boy gif. angsty anime boy gripping his hair gif. i need to dye my hair blue and get a helix piercing. i need to get a long black wig. (i don't think things are like this just because of your hair.). 6:06PM.

7:13PM MON SEP 23 2024
i didn't manage to sell my ticket (i should've thought of it sooner) and i didn't manage to give it away either. my bag was too bulky so i came home to drop it off. and before leaving again, i tried on various plausible disguises. a hoodie (no), a hat (no), a hoodie and a hat (no), my mom's glasses (no). and so on and so forth. i got as far as packing a smaller bag but i gave up. Omg compose myself please. my mom and sister are pulling into the driveway. and i smell like coffee and its not aromatic its pungent (#connotationsMatter). and the cafe was no fun today. so hungry too. i had a snack but it hasn't set in yet. will be busy working this evening. and basking in my misery and self-pity. ive been up since 6:30 and im sleepy and tired and im going to work now so that i can go to the movies tomorrow. is what i'm telling myself. thirty two dollars wasted but that was so long ago it's like it never existed. a compound embarrassment now that i think about it! walked around for 30 minutes going down my mental list of restaurants i wanted to go to and ticking them off one by one when i passed them and didn't go in. got ramen and slurped (scarfed) it down in 15 minutes before class, getting some on my jacket and gripping desperately to the social-nonchalance-lifeline that was my phone and earbuds (my IEMs #Yup). Guys its OK. no i am not living in fear. no i am not letting anything ruin me. 7:24PM.

9:30AM MON SEP 23 2024
typing this while half-listening in a lecture. was distressed on the subway. forgot my transit card and had to borrow my dad's (which only had 40 cents on it). wearing a tshirt i like in theory but wearing it in front of other people always makes me nauseous. played solitaire to calm down / distract myself (playing the cards i was given) while listening to frivoulous korean pop music about how Girl, You Make Me Cry (Cry) and Save Me, Save Me, Save Me and Listen To My Heart. Beat. (It's Beating For You!). taking deep breaths. thinking of adding my ticket for a concert tonight to the waitlist (offering it back to the ticket company to potentially be sold to people who have joined the waitlist). i know that one of my friends will be going but she doesn't know i am (am i?) going because i wanted to go alone and sit (stand?) alone and enjoy it alone and leave alone. but last night, i found out that there's over a 50% chance (really more like over 90%) that someone i have "crazy beef" (not my words) with might also be going. is this me and my love for my comfort zone or is this me and my premonitory abilities. so the current plan is to put my ticket up for resale at 1Pm. and then we'll see what's what. oh but it's not all bad. i ran into one of the TA's for this course (see ZINE CLUB) as i (we) was (were) walking into the building and she recognized me (see ZINE CLUB) and said hi first! so who knows. forgot to pack my emergency granola bars too. i feel like mo from DTWOF (which reminds me, i need to go back to working in the library so that i can continue reading it while im taking breaks from working): how can i complain about granola bars and being sweaty and hoping not to run into people when there are people getting bombed and global temperatures are rising and there's preventable suffering and so on and so forth. not productive, i know. is any of this fit to print. i bleached 3 small strips of my hair last night but it did close to nothing. 10:20AM.

11:39PM MON SEP 16 2024
just had an unbelievably-filling-for-its-size slice of sweet potato and cheese pizza. what is anything even! actually i also got a slice of pizza (this one was more believably filling in proportion to its size) (margherita pizza) for lunch but it was exactly as i expected and satisfied my curiosity but not much more else. i'm supposed to have a draft ready for peer editing of an artist statement for a piece that has yet to be fully conceptualized, let alone created. again: what is anything even! thought i had a few weeks ago that escaped me (but i now remember the gist of): why did i not take full advantage (silver linings, pity points) of the few Life Challenges i faced over the previous scholastic year? i think i very much could have gotten some degree of leniency if i had only put myself through the embarrassment of asking for it. Oh actually now i remember why! but in hindsight everything was embarrassing anyway (like the song) so i couldve at least #controlledthenarrative. anyway. also i saw a skunk earlier this evening! in the darkness, i thought it was a cat maybe and then i thought it was a raccoon maybe and then finally i saw it for what it is. 11:52PM

12:00PM FRI SEP 13 2024
(long time no entry from my laptop) two weeks in and i feel like my life is managable but maybe my body knows something i don't; i keep having to unclench my jaw and cheerful songs make me tear up. there was a CENTIPEDE in my room last night (when no one else was awake) and so i left my bed-side lamp on at full brightness. i want to/have to go to the library today to pick up some books but wouldn't it be sooo nice to just go back to bed..... fell back into showering way past midnight (and consequently, sleeping way way way past midnight). my back hurts from sleeping weird. 12:13PM.

7:26PM WED SEP 11 2024
I got food instead of a drink because i figured that would be the more sensible thing to do but the food tasted bad and its sauce dribbled onto my pants and sweater. So what is the lesson here? 7:27PM.

9:56PM FRI SEP 6 2024
There are people who will think im very serious and dont laugh at anything. But at least smile and do a quiet half laugh to be polite and for support and acknowledgement. And i still have 3/4 of a secret matcha madeleine! 9:59PM.

5:39PM TUE SEP 3 2024
When its september 3rd and your mold has lost hope and has remembered despair. Typing this while standing on the subway. Not all is bad but there is much to be desired. And not much optimism for the coming day weeks months and years. 3 stops left. I will survive though! Even though ive remembered i could be living in fear and im warming up to the idea of solitude and silence. But i will survive. This is just me, at first, afraid and petrified. I will not crumble or lay down and die! Reblog to claim. 5:47PM.

12:16AM TUE SEP 3 2024
So uncool and so nonchalant! I cant be typing this way to everyone and anyone! And also it is so embarassing to ask people to hang out. I guess it depends on the person though. I think i have middle school trauma from my peers having karate class and piano lessons and art lessons and english tutoring and math tutoring and swimming and choir class and so on and so forth (which is to say, packed schedules compared to little old me). Anyway. Going to shower to prevent myself from unsending my text messages. Unless this anxiety is actually a sign from the universe that i shouldnt try to force this friendship? Oh you cant be thinking that way giant mold baby. Its too early for all of this. I was thinking earlier today that i want to be less frazzled and excitable and frivolous in my writing (what ever happened to being a self-proclaimed Mature Person). Im going to say its because im typing in sans serif font. Times New Roman will you be my saviour? (dangerous temptuous thinking that may arise from developing a fondness for my captor, Chicago Style Academic Paper). What am i even saying!!!!!!!! I needed to be out of the shower, like, yesterday!!!! (and by yesterday i mean an hour ago) (Oh would you look at that! I said yesterday because i was trying to emulate a speech pattern of a type of high school girl in movies but its actually, technically, true! Yesterday the 2nd. Today the 3rd.) Are you there Mold? Its me, Moldgret. (Why am i saying this! I havent read this! Or seen it! And my friend has read/seen my messages!) HELP! Bye. 12:30AM.

3:27AM MON SEP 2 2024
I am a bit unhappy with the lack of change on my website. All i do is copy and paste! (my log entries, that is). Maybe that will change (lol) once i have 1. a reason to be on my computer more often and 2. urgent work that i want to put off. Who said any of that! When its september 2nd and your Mold is still hopeful. #optimism #getittogether #i'llgetittogetherstartingthedayaftertomorrow. 3:31AM.

11:41PM FRI AUG 30 2024
Rain and lightning! Wow its loud out there. Went to the library earlier this afternoon with an additional book i wasnt planning on returning just yet in hopes that i would sit inside and read a bit before starting on my walk back. But it was just too hot and i couldnt adjust to the temperature indoors without the self-created breeze from walking at a brisk pace. So i gave up and walked back soon after. And the rain has now quieted down but the thunder still rumbles here and there. Just to put it out there in words for the universe to hear: I Will At Some Point In My Life Get The Chance To Work As A Student Library Assistant And It Will Be As I Hope It To Be. #optimism. I worry often that people are getting wrong ideas about me and my character. Oh wow the rain is back. 11:47PM.

12:57AM FRI AUG 30 3024
Sometimes i see things and i cant help but smile. And i want to voice my agreement or otherwise let someone know but its never the right time and place. So a "like" will have to do. (and sometimes i dont even get that far! But maybe the general positive sentiment will find its way over anyway. Like a dandelion seed (if thats what they are, the large sparse spherical bits of fluff) floating in the light breeze when you manage to grab it.) Catch!. 1:01AM.

4:06AM THU AUG 29 2024
Its a bit of fun to poke healing bruises. Only a few days left and lots of housekeeping i want to do! Moving files, backing them up, trashing some, etc. and thats just for my laptop's desktop space! Was trimming my bangs and one side of the back of my head and theres small bits of hair all over! Self control please, pace yourself please, know when to put the scissors down please! I dont actually think i went too overboard but as usual we'll just have to wait and see how it turned out in the morning. Correct me if im wrong but i think today (give or take a few days maybe) marks one year since the first log entry ive uploaded! Theres a fall out boy lyric that goes "the only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that i dont know" and i figure the reason why its stuck around in my head is because it was Potent and Real to me but ive been thinking it over and, preliminary thoughts, maybe another contender for something worse than that could be knowing that everyone else knows something you dont. Oh oh oh! Or maybe Actually you know what nevermind. Got too far ahead of myself (thinking before typing) and now it doesnt even make sense! 4:18AM.

2:58AM FRI AUG 23 2024
Almost finished The Price of Salt on the plane. Got the short end of the metaphorical stick, my bags are too small, already not sure where ill be putting my clothes that need to be laundered. My drivers license finally came in the mail this afternoon, GAH! (scary). My bangs are majorly separated, how could the guy working do this to me! Next time just be vain (or whatever). Stuck with this for the next five years. Had the genius idea to stick clear tape over my photo and redraw my hair with permanent marker. I think that is fine and allowed. Maybe. 3:02AM.

1:20AM TUE AUG 20 2024
My walls are so empty and unadorned compared to those of my peers! (Closer than that but "peers" is so funny. Hello i am Peering at you. Can we be Peers?). Walking into peoples spaces and what a visual treat it is to see this sort of installation art! Collage. Gallery experience. Great moon this evening and i managed to catch it in its most large and orange state as i was waiting at a bus stop, sheltered from the wind. Had three flavours of cheese tart today and if i were to rank them in order from most to least enjoyed, i would say Plain then Matcha then Yuzu. Yum! Sometimes i think about the substanceless words and sounds of agreement i make to show that im listening and i cringe (for lack of a better word) but no one else cares. Probably. 1:30AM.

12:51AM SUN AUG 18 2024
Past midnight again but its fine. Couldve showered while my clothes were in the laundry machine but i waited too long. Wet clothes mostly hung (hanged?) and theres a pile of long-dried clothes i tossed onto my bed i still need to fold (making room or forced displacement or a good opportunity to get something done). Sometimes i can almost picture the kind of face im making and i pick up my phone to open the camera but then i decide against it before i even make eye contact with myself in the reflection of my turned-off phone screen. Because why would i want to see that? Not even in a bad sort of way. Well. But really, even if it was a bad sort of way (i wouldnt say it is), i think thats still good. Because why? I'm not meant to see that! Anyway. Dont know about tomorrow but we'll see about monday! 1:00AM.

1:43AM SAT AUG 17 2024
I've been rereading (why not just say "reading") some of my old entries (although i wouldnt suggest going too far back. Please.) and i have two main takeaways so far. Number 1: the entries ive made on my phone's notes app this summer vastly outweigh all that came before it; the end of may 2024 onward takes up over half of this page judging by the position of the scrollbar! Wow. Number 2: since i typically type out my entries at the end of the day, they arent nearly as distressed and emotional as some of them from last winter especially. 1:48AM.

1:22AM SAT AUG 17 2024
Showered before midnight, #smallsteps. Fell back into biting and peeling my lip skin, #relapse. No one talks about how addicting it is! Walked to the library even though i didnt really want to and it was fine. Some barbecue restaurant on the main street i was walking down had a worker outside grilling meat and they had a fan set up that was blowing the smoke all over. Seriously, when walking through the surrounding area, i swear it looked smoggy. Is this allowed? Lol. 1:28AM.

2:20AM FRI AUG 16 2024
An established routine is a scary thing! I cant believe i spent two hours doing basically nothing while also being keenly aware of what time it was. Planned on sleeping earlier and yet here we (me and the notes app, me and my future self reading this, me and whoever comes across my #blog, me and my inner voice dictating what i should be typing out, etc.) are, damp hair and all. 2:25AM.

3:05AM THU AUG 15 2024
Im very nosy on the subway, especially when im standing, especially in a crowd. What else is there to do? I guess you could look at your phone but sometimes that isnt very diginified. I hope the commute time will coerce me into reading more again. 2.5 weeks left. Is anyone fully ready for anything ever? 3:08AM.

2:11AM WED AUG 14 2024
Noticed recently that a small spider has set up camp in the corner between my bed frame and the wall. Not a fan of this cohabitation deal but its not bothering me so i cant in good conscience do anything violent to it. And its too much of a hassle to try relocating it. 2:14AM.

1:06AM MON AUG 12 2024
My guess is that cheese is like fragrance and audio in the way how people can be audiophiles and look at graphs about sound frequencies and collect perfumes and discuss their top middle and base notes. Actually you could say the same about many if not most things. Ive had the cheese parody of sweet dreams are made of this (im saying this like its existence is common knowledge) stuck in my head for the past 2 days after changing my home screen background for the first time in at least a year. Its a picture of, i assume, osaka from azumanga daioh wearing a cheese-themed yellow tshirt that ive edited different eyes onto (actually illl just attach the photo here) (note to self: upload the file and link it). I dont know why its past one in the morning. No one ask. For a brief period of about 10 minutes earlier this evening, i had 3 separate conversations going on with three separate friends across two different platforms. Normal to some but unordinary to me. Reminds me (too complicated to explain why) of a comment in french i saw years ago under some video. It read "Mieux que certains"--how widely applicable! Sometimes all you can say is Mieux que certains. 1:14AM.

2:22AM SUN AUG 11 2024
Owwwwwwww.... T.T... #suffer. Going to sleep as soon as possible. Wearing an i-gave-up hoodie already. 2:23AM.

6:22PM SAT AUG 10 2024
Its seriously a bit chilly today. !. ?!. And nana osaki you beautiful fish tank fish. 6:24PM.

3:00AM SAT AUG 10 2024
Bought pudding (the jiggly kind, not the gloopy kind) today as a reward! Because it caught my eye... Ive been building my expectations and the mythology and the lore and the mystique and power and prestige and hopes for what real pudding should be like (the kind where its in a cute small container and you break off the bit sticking out at the bottom and it goes slooooup and unseals itself from the bottom and plops upside down) (lots of onomatopoeias. Onomatopoeiae? Yes i had to look up how this is spelt. Spelled?) (and also are these all onomatopoeias? Im referring to the gloopy-sounding words, by the way). And granted, i did get my wished-for pudding experience (#oddlysatisfying). But the taste didnt live up how i thought it would be. Oh well. 3:07AM.

1:42PM FRI AUG 9 2024
The world is so my oyster! In other news, perfect score on my written drivers test but i fear for how my photo turned out. I didnt want to seem Vain (or whatever) by asking for a second to look in a mirror and adjust my hair. I have a feeling it looks like any of my other id pictures taken in the last 2 years. 1:49AM

1:31AM TUE AUG 6 2024
Saw a stray cat this evening. Was magical. The cat meowed and i squeed. That's all. (like miranda priestly). 1:32AM.

1:13AM MON AUG 5 2024
Back for a bit more. Now that my hair is dripping less. Why was i desperately trying to come up with scenarios where i could force reconnection and latch onto people. I thought the whole plan for this coming year was to bask in solitude and to do things on my own? Oh my bad. (Sent a text 25 minutes ago, reminding two friends of unfinished plans from last last week. And regretted the forced-casual way i sent it. And got a notification immediately before typing out "oh my bad" so now where does that leave me.) Anyway though, i still stand by this. Or do i... How fickle is the mold that feeds (mixing my idioms). 1:18AM.

12:31AM MON AUG 5 2024
Im clinging to my Pride and Self-respect. And that is all thats stopping me. Relapsed into this hypothetical as of yesterday. Thinking about where i could go and bike around (because i am easily influenced, i guess). Contemplating near-future potential social overlap (and maybe overstepping and overassuming my role). This self-inflicted torment will be over soon if the powers that be see it fit. Reading through the drivers manual to study. Sat by the beach in long pants and a long shirt. I have questions. #enigma. 12:38AM.

12:37AM SUN AUG 4 2024
After making it 2 weeks, i scratched off what i could of whatever polish was left on my nails and it feels like im seeing a familiar face again (the familiar face being the normal unobtrusive colour of my own fingers, or whatever). No polish remover at my disposal so i only managed to scrape it off of four and a half out of ten nails. I held off for so long because i think i gave leaving the polish be some sort of significance. But it was bothering me! 12:43AM.

12:49AM SAT AUG 3 2024
Sick. Annoyed. 12:50AM.

7:02PM THU AUG 1 2024
Summer is so nearly basically over its so tragic upsetting im stressing myself out for no reason by complaining but its true im upset! Wah. You can't be doing this giant mold baby. 7:03PM.

2:13AM THU AUG 1 2024
A bit of an inbetween kind of time right now. Not enough time to try to sleep now. Mostly packed though. Sitting in the kitchen and drinking water. Im the only one awake right now. You know what would be perrrrrrfect right about now? Reading something found online. Im also sweaty. When will it end. 2:16AM.

2:34AM WED JUL 31 2024
So hot today. So hot tonight, even. Lying on my bed, having pushed all my bedding off to the side, and yet i can feel the dampness on my face which has a little, but not a lot, to do with the residual dampness of my hair. My hands are also sweaty. My sister pointed out this evening, that i dont pace and talk (my frequent (past) habit of pacing around an open space like the kitchen or living room while talking out loud, regardless of if anyone is paying attention, about happenings and conundrums) as much as i used to. I dont remember why it came up in conversation or why we were conversing in the first place but i was probably bothering her while she was trying to watch roblox gameplays on youtube. And, thinking out loud, i told her its probably because i have other people i talk to now. #justsaying. And she had the #nerve to say she has more friends than i do! #wedontcare. #WRDGAF. #alljokes. Had ice cream three times today! Actually, not all ice cream. Gelato, then "frozen yogurt" (at least thats what it claimed to be.. just tasted like regular soft serve though), then ice cream from a pint(?) container. Face less damp but hands still sweaty. Taking a break from my phone to quickly check my laptop before taking a break from that too. 2:48AM.

2:43AM TUE JUL 30 2024
Missed out on the last steps of my pre sleep rituals for the past two days because i would just give up and fall asleep splayed out in the middle of my bed, not a care in the world, save for the immediate need to sleep then and there! I havent been out so the hair-sticking-up-every-which-way-from-lying-on-it-while-damp wasnt much of an issue. However the absence of my single nightly spritz of leave-in conditioner is making itself known; I was wondering why my hair felt so squeaky and crisp! ^.^;;;; Going to sleep soon though because i think i will have a big day ahead of me! I was thinking earlier about an anecdote i could tell but i dont think it would be suitable nor well recieved if i shared it online anywhere. I was thinking i could try to compile an agenda or bank (like a word bank for a game of fill in the blanks) of possible topics of conversation. I was also then thinking i could catalog some of the stories i often end up repeating, accidentally or on purpose. But im suddenly feeling tired again and i can tell i need to finish things up (its now or nothing). 2:54AM.

5:26PM SUN JUL 28 2024
Abruptly thrust back into my typical lifestyle! Taking roughly 0.1% of my average daily number of steps last week. All day in pyjamas. Taking naps. Feel like i should go outside to walk around for a bit. But why would i do that? Isnt that weird? To go out with no purpose or destination? Typing this from the livimg room couch. Resisting the urge to go back to lying in bed. 5:33PM.

2:54AM SUN JUL 28 2024
Finally tried the sponge cakes i got on thursday this afternoon. For future reference (and also an open recommendation): they were from spongies cafe & the three flavours i got were thai tea, green tea, and black sesame (listed in the order of how i would rank them) (the thai tea one was the first i tried and it was so much more flavourful than i expected!). Also on thursday was me and my friend's visit to a cat cafe! Was so great and the 50 minutes went by too quickly. As we were leaving, my friend said something along the lines of how i need to move out soon so that i can have a grey cat <-- which is something i had said before when discussing where i would like to be in 5 (or was it 10?) years (i.e., or, im taking that to mean: Lets Work Hard On Laying The Groundwork For Our Desired Ways Of Living!). reading nana these days. Ill admit i underestimated it. 3:06AM.

3:59AM SAT JUL 27 2024
Just finished folding some laundry and checked the time because i could feel my eyes drying and my eyelids drooping closed. Why! Anyway. Early morning today too but overall quite smooth. 6:50 wake up, finish packing (tip: pack inefficiently on the way there and actually make full use of baggage space when repacking for the way back), contemplate but dont actually lie back in bed for just 5 more minutes before changing out of pyjamas, leave right according to schedule with ten minutes carved out for a bagel stop (cinnamon raisin bagel and peach iced tea to eat on the train), walk to the station, go down to the train platform, stand in the train doorway and wave, look out the window and finish one half of the bagel and half of the tea, get in line for security and chug the other half of the tea, go to the washroom, wait around for about 2 hours and use the free airport wifi, passport verification, board, hold on to my book but end up spending most of the flight looking out the window (i normally dont like heights because i startle easily while high up but looking out of airplane windows is different), fall asleep for about 20 minutes before the plane begins its descent, get out of the airport, get on public transportation and almost fall asleep again, make it home and reaccquaint myself with my laptop while finishing my bagel before falling asleep on the couch for 3 hours then moving over to the foot of my bed for another few hours, then unpack my baggage (which im not usually so prompt about). I brought back some sponge cakes from a bakery in manhattan's chinatown but i still havent tried them. I bought them yesterday afternoon but i hadnt gotten a good opportunity to open the bag and indulge. And now here we are. Wanted to update my log today but itll have to wait. 4:19AM.

2:09AM FRI JUL 26 2024
Want to write for the sake of recordkeeping but more important is sleep! Jolted back from near-slumber to quickly type something (nothing) out. 2:10AM.

5:42AM THU JUL 25 2024
Problem! Mathematically-minded readers might do some subtraction to calculate the maximum amount of time i could have been asleep for. Not pleased with this... Woke up briefly, as one does, during a period of shallower sleep, as does happen, and after what was probably half an hour of willing myself to fall back asleep, waking anyway and staying awake. Had to go to the washroom, sun already rising, hungry—really there was no going back! Alas. Eating yogurt now to try and #dealwithit. But will i be able to fall asleep once its bright outside? Only time will tell... But it isnt looking too good for me and my wakefulness for the rest of today. Alas!!!!! Egads! 5:48AM.

2:44AM THU JUL 25 2024
Almost forgot to write today! Caught myself before i started to seriously try falling asleep. Remembered i had yet to type anything out because i was doing some pre-sleep pondering. ... But thats not what i want to write about. Well actually there isnt much i want to say today. Which is probably why i almost forgot. Actually, about 30 seconds later, i did just think of something. To anyone out there who lets bygones be bygones, how can you be that way? And by that i mean, if you arent thinking about the past, what else could you be thinking about? Serious question but its actually kind of purely rhetorical. Im not wording it very elegantly either, which doesnt help. But i figure i'll get it and ill understand when i look back on this. Because ive lost interest in explaining myself further. You know what, lets just drop it. I can feel that a good nights rest is in need. Little old me! Actually ignore everything thusfar. 2:55AM.

1:59AM WED JUL 24 2024
Reading The Price of Salt and i can recognize some of the street names, even if i can't picture them exactly (lexington! Etc. yes im in manhattan!). Walked around, same as before. I had been thinking a few weeks ago about a certain specific personality disorder (the exact nature of which i feel is unnecessary and uncalled for and illadvised to discuss and disclose), and then i stopped thinking about it for a bit, but recently ive picked that thread back up. You know what else is illadvised? Drinking excessive amounts of dairy milk! (I knew my limits but i exceeded them anyway). Im yawning but ill go back to reading. 2:08AM.

2:35AM TUE JUL 23 2024
It often amazes me when people are good at what they do. Really stating the obvious and universal here, but its true! Watching dancers Dance and im mesmerized; watching singers Sing and i cant contain my grin. Not sure what else to write for now. Waiting for my hair to dry. 2:38AM.

1:22AM MON JUL 22 2024
Eventful day of travel today. Subway, streetcar, plane, train, train 2 (which never came), train again, bus, walk! Oh the places i'll go. Salty cheeseburger. Airplane shortbread cookie. Standing and standing and standing. And feeling weird from lack of sleep. Zzzzzzzz 1:25AM.

2:53AM SUN JUL 21 2024
Sleepy and tired. Leaving the rest for the morning. My calves hurt too! Overdid it 2 days ago and im still paying the price. Zzzz 2:54AM.

3:39AM SAT JUL 20 2024
I forgot i hadnt written anything yet today! Ive sort of already turned my coherent brain function off though... Yawn. Finally got new earbuds (well Actually to be specific theyre "IEM"s) (7hz salnotes zero, for future reference) but they suck a bit. Another online shopping loss! 3:42AM.

3:01AM FRI JUL 19 2024
I feel bad about the last part of my previous entry. That was too harsh maybe. I have about a week to mull it over so we'll see if it makes it online. (After much consideration and rewording and brainstorming and thought, and also encouragement earlier in the day from an uninvolved party,) I did in fact say that i would not be joining them for brunch. The game plan tomorrow is to pack! Or rather, start packing. Ive already started working on a list... 3:08AM.

3:44AM THU JUL 18 2024
Much later than anticipated.. Meeting a friend tomorrow (or rather, later today) who i havent seen since having the wisdom pulled out of me and im looking forward to it but i dont know what to suggest we do. Have delayed my laundry plans accordingly (to maximize the amount of clean clothing i have available to pack). My friends from elementary school, some of whom i feel as though i havent seen in five years although really we might have met more recently than that, are also suggesting that we all meet up again. Which i am a bit wary of. Where will i have to go, what norms should i adapt to, i have to stick to my guns, will they ask why, will i cave to the pressures which is known to happen, is there ever an optimal time, etc. et.c .... but whatever No one cares though (actually often people do but you just have to hope they dont) (or rather, its an opposite end of the spectrum kind of situation). 4:00AM.

2:50AM WED JUL 17 2024
Tired and sleepy and the pile of dried laundry at the foot of my bed is really not calling to me now. Currently crumpled like a ball around/avoiding the pile. Pleasant awakening this morning; dim light filtering in behind (through? despite?) my curtains, loud but consistent and predictable rain sounds, not too hot, woke up on my own clocking in at 7.5 hours of sleep. Sometimes while thinking about how nice it is to see and hear it rain from the inside (in-side) of a window, i consider that its all subjective and could actually elsewhere be disasterous. Case in point, as it turns out, what was pleasant calm atmosphere to me was a flood-inducing, power-outing storm for others within my same city. And then there are monsoons, typhoons, hurricanes, oh my! Guy finds out about climate and natural disasters. 2:58AM.

1:08AM TUE JUL 16 2024
Just had a late night glass of ice cream (chocolate cherry flavour, for the record). Im going to new york soon for just about a week & so ive been typing and clicking away at my laptop, planning. I was considering making a post on my neocities profile to ask for Suggestions and Recommendations but i think thats a bit much. But if any benevolent force sees this, i am still on the lookout! Lately ive been pondering. I would probably say im most at ease when doing things of my choosing on my own/alone, and better yet, without having to say anything beyond the occasional "thank you." But also i can rationally recognize that theres strength in numbers. And also the opposite is usually true when it comes to being in situations that are not solely chosen by me (dont abandon meeee let me float behind you if thats clearly all i have) (common pattern of behaviour i have, spanning years of my life). Theres more i wanted to say about this (more to connect it to, more to explain, etc.) but i still have yet to shower. At around 8:30pm i was marveling at how it felt so late but in actuality it wasn't, and i was thinking i could very feasibly get ready for bed several hours earlier than usual (i havent been waking up past 12 these days so im not making up for the time at which i fall asleep). But i sure do love a routine! I sure am a creature of habit! 1:23AM.

3:05AM MON JUL 15 2024
Made cake yesterday and its already nearly all gone. Note to self: one small carton of whipping cream is just enough for one 2 layered cake. And also the cake tastes better after the whipping cream melts/soaks into the cake a bit. Though obviously it doesnt look as good then. 3:08AM.

4:40AM SUN JUL 14 2024
Woke up after having fallen asleep on the couch. My arm still tingles and other mildly unpleasant bodily sensations. This really throws a wrench in my plans! Going to do just barely more than the minimum and then lie face up at the foot of my bed. 4:43AM.

2:42AM SAT JUL 13 2024
Took a post-breakfast nap today. Yesterday i took a pre-dinner nap. Who knows whats next. Should be getting to sleep soon, since there will be no time for another post-breakfast nap in the morning. But i have a video i found a few hours ago that ive been saving to watch. So first ill go watch that now! ^_^; 2:46AM.

2:16AM FRI JUL 12 2024
A small chunk from the side of my pinky finger is gone T_Ta.. accidentally peeled it when my hand slipped while i was trying to cut a bad part out of a nectarine. I felt like yotsuba. Mentally shortlisted 4 courses for my one remaining timetable slot. Dont care to continue on writing. 2:21AM.

12:43AM THU JUL 11 2024
Standing and sitting by open windows to listen to the rain drizzle. Its less heavy than it was an hour ago but its still great noise. Couldve waited till later to type out an entry for today; ill be interuptting myself to go to the washroom now. Saw my dad flipping through the volume of yotsuba i left lying on the couch. I used to only read physical volumes of comics and manga in the comfort and privacy of my bedroom. Took a nap until around 6pm. Had lunch with my mom and paternal grandmother. And solved a sudoku puzzle. Seems like theres lots of pollen in the air these days (based on my Lived Experience). Ok really going to the washroom now. 12:51AM.

2:12AM WED JUL 10 2024
Hello to my log. I had a nectarine earlier today. Which was one of the things i was considering writing about in yesterdays log, before i came upon another topic. Yesterday i was planning on eating a plain old white peach because i thought that was the only kind of peach there was. But turns out we had yellow peaches too! If those are the same as nectarines... Questions i could easily look up the answers to. But i have chosen to live in ignorance. Im really concentrating right now; it feels like my attention is very clearly divided between thinking about what to write next and also staying upright. Which could mean nothing. But not in the matt damon way. 2:17AM.

3:22AM TUE JUL 9 2024
Probably wouldve racked my brain to think of something to say for today but it just so happens (i was going to use the phrase "as it were" instead but upon a quick google search it would seem that established sayings have specific use cases and that things dont always mean what i think they might) that the courses for my faculty have Finally (finally, finally; weeks and weeks after other faculties had posted their course informations!!!.....) been added to the online timetable builder tool. So ill be looking through that now. or later. Late last week they had emailed out a long pdf of all the course listings and so i roughly have an idea of when and what the mandatory/prerequisite courses ill have to enrol in are but i still need to figure out what ill take for the unaccounted for slots in my timetable. I was Intrigued by an introductory course about social determinants of health but it seems like it conflicts with the lecture time of one of my mandatory courses Sigh. ive heard of people who enrol in conflicting classes and ask for lecture recordings but i dont think i can be trusted to study on my own time. Sigh... Well we'll see. Was also intrigued by an introductory human anatomy class. Had another graphic (and gross and upsetting!) dream this morning relating to something going wrong with the contents of my mouth. And also i quite enjoyed taking a food chemistry course last year (relevant here because the point im making is that i would like to take at least one class that isnt too hard but and isnt too intensive but is interesting and mostly unrelated to my major (or the minors i have in mind) as a welcome change of pace). And actually ill end things here because i realized im sitting on the corner of my bed because i now need to fold the dried laundry i piled over where i usually sit and write my log entries. And also my phone is at 10 percent. 3:39AM.

4:00AM MON JUL 8 2024
I figure the format of a letter in the mail would work better than texting when it comes to asking questions and catching up (how is your summer going are you still studying for your license did you know you can book ahead but only at one specific location what do you do these days do you want to hear about the people ive been seeing how much detail would you want me to go into would it be horrible to be too enthusiastic about the life ive been living without your involvement because i can see how that would be horrible to me if i were you and you were to me how i think i might be to you Etc. etc.) (thinking out loud). But i also figure thats more burdensome for the receiver. And also you have to go out and get a stamp! And what if it gets lost in the mail? Would you have to text anyway to ask if they received your letter? And also you would have to know their exact address somewhere in writing... How about handwriting a letter but taking a picture of it to send digitally. But isnt that still similarly burdensome? And weird? (For context i went back up to write the parenthetical that comes after "asking questions and catching up" after that last bit right before this parenthetical here. But now the text that follows will go back to being written in chronological (?) (like its sequenced in the way i typed it out) order). Reading YURI MANGA these past days and you can tell from the recent influx of black and white (flowery and peopled with disproportionately big-eyed girls) downloaded pages in my camera roll. Which reminds me of something i noticed the other day (about different person i saw): there are people living a very different life than i do who see little to no need to be taking various screenshots and saving various photos. What do you mean your photos app really does contain a mostly-unbroken stream of photographs! Disjointed entry today but i think ill remember what it all means. 4:26AM.

3:57AM SUN JUL 7 2024
Lots of typing this evening. For this reason i will be giving myself a pass on some self-plagiarism to pad this entry! "[...] makes me think of how vague and all-encompassing "normal" is. Like this really could mean anything to the untrained ear. And even sometimes to the trained ear! #versatility." I think part of the appeal of writing emails versus text messages for leisure purposes is that you can take as long as you need. And its much easier to search for and reread emails. I would assume. 4:02AM.

3:40AM SAT JUL 6 2024
Almost fell asleep without writing todays entry. Though i suppose its because i dont have much id like to say. Leaving my window open a bit and the car sounds are great for this ambiance. Oh goodness i hear the first birds awake. 3:43AM.

3:24AM FRI JUL 5 2024
The margaret atwood male fantasies quote should never have made its rounds on the internet and found its way to me all those years ago. I didnt ask to have the language to describe the ever-present watcher in my own head! (no comment on the author nor the content of the quote outside of this specific reference) (Yes i love to be reductive and make references that come out of nowhere). (And ok this doesnt work as well as an opener to todays log as i had thought it would but ill keep it since its already typed out). Self-monitoring is horrible but its particularly unhelpful because i dont have particularly detailed visualization abilities. When i try to picture what the facial expressions i make look like, as i make them (and when im not in front of a mirror, because im having a conversation with someone), im rarely imagining my own face making it. When i prompt myself to think of how i look doing something from an outside perspective (like a fly on the wall, for example), the mental image i try to conjure is so blobby and so vague. So really who wins! Its just a distraction. Just breaks the immersion of living my life as it happens. Bit of a subpar entry for today. It was better in my head in the shower. Lately it seems im structuring my entries around themes, lessons, and finding meaning instead of recounting the events of the day. How did we get here! Work on striking a balance. Also i remember the saying "being caught with [your] pants down" was supposed to be part of the self-monitoring thing when i was coming up with it earlier but i dont remember how i meant to work it in. 3:52AM.

2:21AM THU JUL 4 2024
Watching a cake be decorated right now. Im having log-entry performance anxiety! Im not actually ready to go to bed yet so it isnt really appropriate conditions for log-writing.. Might come back later then. (doubtful). Sorry for the uneventful entry. 2:24AM.

2:57AM WED JUL 3 2024
Its simply too exhausting to stop and really savour and appreciate things as they are--to think about how its unlikely, but possible, that tomorrow things wont be the same, unlikely but possible that things wont ever be the same! Im making this sound really serious and i dont mean to. Topic of choice for todays log entry because i changed my bed sheets yesterday and finally moved clothes off of my bed and it feels really great. Im savouring it! Relevant because tomorrow night i wont be in my bed (the plan is to sleep over at a friend's place). Today's shower thought: three is a good number to observe but not experience. What do i mean by that? Three is a clean number and its just enough and its neat. Really good for arrangements and sets and patterns et cetera. But being in a group of three as the unmistakable third is mildly horrible. Ok its not that bad. ... Am i experiencing cognitive decline? Sleepy for once so ill sleep. No further explanations! 3:11AM.

9:03PM MON JUL 1 2024
On the subway now; i had planned on finishing the last 20 pages of my book now but i suppose that'll have to wait. Solo day out on the town today. Went in search of an Oil Cleanser (side note: being in stores when you dont know what youre doing is so horrible to me! Which is why i did plenty of research beforehand. But alas my plans were foiled. The one i had in mind was out of stock (and i asked, to confirm). Then i went to another store. And i couldnt decide. So i went to a similar other store to compare. And lots of items in both this store and the last didnt have price stickers, how annoying!) and also to watch a 5 dollar movie (this one had a screening at 4 and another at 7. I arrived about 12 minutes late for the one at 4, which would be fine by me since that would just mean skipping the trailers, but i hadnt bought my ticket in advance online and i didnt know if i would be able to buy one there, so i decided to just go on my Oil Cleanser Quest (see above) and then stall until 7. I got some soft serve vanilla frozen yogurt in a cup (they were out of cones, frown emoji) and took it with me to a nearby park which was noisy and occasionally pungent but had lots of benches where i sat and read for about an hour. On my way out of the theaters, as i was thinking about how id review the movie (Night Is Short, Walk On Girl by the way), i passed a couple (and they passed me). I thought the guy was a woman and i think i stared for a little too long. Walk on, Mold! (or rather, Sit on, the subway seat, Mold!) (What?) 9:19PM.

2:13AM MON JUL 1 2024
Significantly above my daily average of pages read today (not that im keeping track of it), mostly to pass the time while outside. It seems that reading is all about building momentum. Occured to me today that i seem to be quite fond of making non-discoveries, like the stereotype (???) of taking LSD (?) and discovering empathy. (does anyone know what im talking about. Do i know what im talking about?) Wow no way? Its easier to keep doing something once youve already made some progress with it? Wow no way? (more non-discoveries to come.) 2:21AM.

6:48PM SUN JUN 30 3024
I feel that i am not much aware of, let alone in touch with, my emotions and desires, which is why i doubt and ramble. 6:49PM.

2:46AM SUN JUN 30 2024
Forced baking is no fun, which is why i only like to make things when inspiration strikes. Although we'll see. Really big on reading reviews. Addendum to yesterday's log entry: mosquitoes like stagnant water. Its entries like these where i wonder what the point is of uploading them. Bit of a non-entry. Kind of like a used item listing of many items bundled together, where you have to buy them all or nothing. What? 2:50AM.

10:23PM FRI JUN 28 2024
Sitting or laying down outdoors is really nice when theres a breeze, no visible bugs, and it isnt too bright. The problem arises when you stay still for long enough that it starts getting cold. But im seated.... But ive already carved out my spot....... But its so nice to stay still.... Theres a lesson to be learned here, a moral to this story, if you will. I suppose. #philosophizing #inertiaVibes #camelCase #DoWeEvenGAF? 10:30PM.

4:02AM FRI JUN 28 2024
Would you look at the time! I initially started typing this out 20 minutes ago but i deleted the time marker(?) and restarted because i got distracted and started tinkering with the code for the log page. I cant think of anything to say for today! This is so much pressure! 4:06AM.

3:39AM THU JUN 27 2024
Somewhat self-plagiarising from the last bit i just wrote down in my journal (which i think i slowly should get back to using as needed): the problem with trying to write out (or type out) the things i come up with while in the shower (relevant detail because i often write out my entries while my hair is still damp. from being in the shower, that is. Which is a prime environment for thinking and introspection and maybe even log entry brainstorming because there isnt much to be distracted by. Yes, i have this "shower routine" down pat. If thats the right saying) is that things sound more elegant and profound when they were coming to me in half-baked bits and pieces. And even this isnt exactly revolutionary. No way?! Youre saying that having to put vague thoughts into structured words is difficult? Woah. Well. Yes. Yeah. Anyway.. Thats all... 3:48AM.

2:35AM WED JUN 26 2024
A tip ive found that seems to work in my favour is to just admit in a passing remark (if those are even the right words) when you can tell that you arent really communicating your thoughts clearly. I think i first regularly started doing this in one of my later (as in either the 11th or 12th grade) high school english classes. It reminds people to give you some wiggle room! Some leeway! Some benefit of the doubt! Reminds them to look for the bigger picture that the words are trying to paint. And to take what you say with a grain of salt. And that you have enough selfawareness to point out that you arent making much sense. Thought i would share. If im getting my point across here. See! (see what...) 2:42AM.

2:15AM TUE JUN 25 2024
Theres something mildly joyful about running short distances. I was racing (well. its only a race if im in the lead, flippant shrug emoji) my sister, who was riding her bike, down the block (somehow i only associate the word "block" with a bustling city) and i couldnt stop myself from giggling as i was running. I also do something similar when im running at a crosswalk (or jaywalking!). But im not a big runner. I never know how to hold my arms so they sort of flail around (except for when i keep them in my pockets). Actually up until 2 weeks ago, i frequently used to run down the main street in the mornings because i was running (haha) late for work. There arent too many other pedestrians then so it isnt too shameful. And really i have other things to be more concerned about. Which is probably obvious to see, why else would i be running (i say run but really its more of a jog in between stretches of speedwalking when i needed to catch my breath/when i could tell id be stuck waiting at an intersection)! This is what i came up with to say after racking my brains for a good 2 minutes. 2:27AM.

9:37PM SUN JUN 23 2024
Just went out and picked a bunch of mulberries. #foraging #bountifulharvest. Apparently the most common things to make with mulberries are jam, pie, and wine. Could this be my summer project? 9:40PM.

2:32AM SUN JUN 23 2024
Slowly returning to normal eating! Moldcity rejoice! Trimmed my hair (not just my bangs) for the first time in probably 2 months. Will have to vacuum in the morning. I cant really tell how it turned out though, will also be determined in the morning. I was loosely drafting my entry for today while i was in the shower but i cant remember any of the key points anymore! So maybe this will be all from me for now. 2:37AM.

2:43AM SAT JUN 22 2024
Woke up at 2pm today because i was too busy dreaming. Is it really dreaming though? I guess maybe since i often can tell im in a dream, itd be something more like lucid dreaming? Maybe? Except i feel like it would be more apt to describe it as uninhibited imagining. Or something more elegantly phrased. Because its not really like i am (or would even want to be) controlling the dream narrative. I like to just see where things go! But unfortunately did not get to record what happened in it today. Promptly forgot 90 percent of it within 3 minutes of being awake. Sorry. Just saw a BUG in my room. Im not going to kill it but i did just move my stack of library books off of the floor. I really hope there arent any in my books. Because i moved them off the floor onto my bed. I think the bug is hiding between my slippers. Supposedly (according to one article with a picture in it. Which is enough for me thanks.) this kind of bug (silverfish gah) is supposed to avoid humans. Lets all believe in this. Okay where was i? Okay actually i do remember bits and pieces from the dream. But its all over the place. And involves an ensemble cast of several people ive known over the past 8 years. Waking up at 2 was really kind of disorienting. So was realizing that it was friday, not thursday as i had thought. 3:00AM.

2:27AM FRI JUN 21 2024
Wearing my retainer again for the first time in a week. Its tight. Argh. Had a mostly fruitful trip to the library this evening. Accidentally picked up a french copy of a book instead (yotsuba volume 4 by the way!) but we'll live. Every now and then, something will remind me that im not as independent and capable and willful as i think i am. I wonder if it would be better to better curate my website. I could continue doing these as a sort of self exercise. But pick and choose the highlights and upload only those. Hmm.. 2:36AM.

1:08AM THU JUN 20 2024
Suddenly remembered that i need to get on with studying for my written drivers test. Everyone ive asked has said its no big deal, and that makes sense for the road signs portion of the test, but i seriously doubt that for the road rules half of the test. Lots of rules dont make intuitive sense! Lots of rules have numbers (amounts, distances, speeds, etc.) you just have to learn! Or at least memorize for the duration of the test. I think im fairly lucky in that there arent many places i regularly go to that are best accessed by car. Really i just want my license so that i can use it as a form of id. And ive long since thought that knowing how to operate a motor vehicle would be a good skill to have. But i dont plan on being a capital d Driver. Or at least i hope i dont need to be one. 1:21AM.

2:10AM WED JUN 19 2024
I think the reason why my entries these days read differently than they used to is because the older entries were more intentional, in that i opened my laptop and started typing because there was something on my mind or i otherwise felt like i should get something down. Lately i just dump whatever comes to mind, typically after finishing getting ready for bed, in my phone notes app, and usually having to rack my brain to come up with something. For my dear readers. Heart emoji. But thats only half true. 50 percent emoji. Okay, more than half, i suppose. It fluctuates. Pinching emoji. And by that i mean: im typing for myself to read, but, although i try to keep that in mind, i cant help but to also think of whoever else could end up seeing this, whether id like them to or not or feel rather ambivalent about it all. In other news: apple and pear sauce tastes quite good as expected. Had taken another post-breakfast nap. 2:21AM.

12:07AM TUE JUN 18 2024
In the kitchen, eating the mashed potatoes that wouldnt fit into containers, straight from the pot, with a tiny spoon, grinding whats left into a finer and finer paste with a ladle, and reading! Went to my sisters school concert this evening. My dad said that it seems like she really enjoys performing. I wonder if and when ill find my Thing like that. What if my Thing is to be on my phoneeeee. (Oh dont say that) (Just jokes). Starting tomorrow at noon will mark day 5 post op (sidenote: when i think "post-op" i think SEX CHANGE) and i will need to up my salt water game. 12:18AM.

8:54PM MON JUN 17 2024
Just remembered the time i had dinner at a restaurant with a friend of a friend and i rediscovered the joys of tiny shrimps in salty brine. Thinking of the shrimps as i wait for a steamed egg to finish steaming. 8:56PM.

1:34AM MON JUN 17 2024
Thank you to my Mother and/or Father (i dont know who exactly it was) for restocking the fridge with more dessert tofu! I live to eat another day. I have a canker sore on my tongue which is frankly more bothersome than my teeth holes. Went back to sleep for another few hours after finishing my breakfast. Just sneezed and now my jaw hurts. 1:39AM

2:02AM SUN JUN 16 2024
Ran out of dessert tofu. I bought lemon flavoured Smooth Cottage Cheese a few days ago and finally got around to trying it today. But was a little disappointed. Not as delicious as i had hoped. but its whatever... Have been looking forward to socializing again. A semi-recent development. If i apply past experience to present circumstance, i think i have serious grounds to Chill Out and slow down with all the wishful thinking about the next 6 months-1year. But if i apply other peoples life stories to my current personal situation, Why not! So what! Who knows! and Enjoy Things While They Last! because they just might. Sidenote: its a little strange to know that its possible, if not inevitable, for what im typing to be read by the involved parties. Sidenote2: i dont think typing on my phone is doing me any favours in terms of coherency. Look at me blaming my tools. ("A poor workman always blames his tools.") (actually im engaging in a creative practice of self-imposed rules and discipline and conventions and experimenting with alternate media and exploring the influence equipment has on the user. Etc.) Was so sleepy this morning-afternoon. Seriously felt like being in stardew valley when it hits 2 am. Hey would you look at the time! 2:21AM.

1:17AM SAT JUN 15 2024
Was just rereading the first several sentences of yesterdays entry; was i under some sort of influence? I dont think im usually that erratic..... (place the emphasis on "that" when reading it out in your head, like "thaaat" or maybe even "thaaaaaat"). My sister said i have "minecraft face" today because of the swelling. All-consuming thoughts until they aren't until they are. Short entry today to offset yesterday. 1:29AM

11:09PM THU JUN 13 2024
Most unwise. I have many of my initial thoughts recorded in text messages ive sent to my friends so for my sake i wont repeat myself. Warm, dare i say hot, dare i say too hot, again after several days of it being very chilly for june where i live. One of my stitches on the bottom right side have come loose and sticks straight out which scares me each time it brushes against the side of my tongue because it makes me think that ive dislodged something essential. Waited a little too long to take my latest dose of pain killer/anti inflammatory. I woke up this morning at 6 and i couldnt fall back asleep because i couldnt stop thinking about how hungry i was. Gave up on trying to go back to sleep by around 7:30 and i soon found out that some places including the oral surgery clinic i would be going to need to get with the times! A "nothing to eat or drink ("NPO") after midnight or at least 8 hours before surgery" order is unnecessarily strict! (at least re: clear fluids). But who would i to be calling to tell a receptionist this information. The insertion of the iv line stung but eventually i wasnt sure if it was because of the needle itself or maybe just the sticker holding it down. I can taste the ooze. Its not pleasant. Its so amazing to have a friend and its almost too indulgent, hedonistic, etc., to have more than just one. Is this a reward for taking small steps toward being more of #myauthenticself? I went to the library the day before yesterday and checked out a small stack of books (with a certain common categorization. Well but dont ask me what it is.) but i dont know where to start! I also have books ive checked out earlier that are collecting a fine layer of dust in the parts of my shelves that are reserved for library books. And i think i want to reread anne of green gables. My sister got a copy of it from a friend (or rather, i assume, her friend's parents, who, i presume, were glad to regift a book their daughter had, i suppose, no interest in) but it looks very different from how i think the anne books (of which i think i had never read past the second) should look; iirc i got a free copy of it (the exact edition i had read) when one of my elementary school teachers was pruning the classroom bookshelves--i wonder if i still have it, even if i worry that tiny bugs like silverfish have made it their home. And thats where ill end this log. I think i often break the immersion (if thats what you could call whatever it is i do. Im not reading all of that *emoji of crying and laughing*) abruptly like this. But thats just my style... Looked back on some of the comments my instructor for my Visual Studies Studio Art Course last semester left on my work yesterday evening. Earlier, when i was still biting down on gauze (see also: later today, poem i saw somewhere online but didnt pay attention to its author which was about the proposed etymology of "gauze"), i was using text-to-speech to speak. One of the things i "said" was "how come they don't fly away!" (the "they" in question were small birds in the middle of the car street). If i had a "rich inner world" and a penchant for finding meaning in the natural world, maybe i could see something conceptual, profound, and beautiful about that whole situation. But who even knows. Cant wait to see how long this will be once i enter it into my code editor and load its preview. Im trying to wrap this up but i keep thinking of more things i could record. This entry will be hard enough to follow as is. I cooooould try to structure it but actually this is just my attempt at #streamofconsciousnesswriting.. #YOLO. 11:53PM.

11:09PM WED JUN 12 2024
This is my last night being wise. A toast! Or not. Favourite phrases (or crutches?) i used today (and maybe yesterday) include "nothingburger" and "strange and foreign" and "chill and relaxed and hashtag chillaxed." I just ate a late dinner really quickly because i was so hungry but i think i gave myself indigestion. This used to happen to me often in high school, where i would come home and scarf food down, usually a bowl of cereal but it could be really anything that was simple and lying around, before feeling unwell and lying down on my left side. Nagata Kabi i hope youre doing well. 11:13AM.

1:50AM WED JUN 12 2024
So tires today. Actually just woke up from an accidental nap. And now that its so late, im going to just shower in the morning. But thats so different! And i cant trust my future self! Shouldve written todays entry earlier, while thoughts were still fresher in my mind. All im thinking about is brushing my teeth. And going on wisdom teeth reddit posts again. (actually thats what i just did). 1:53AM

6:51PM MON JUN 10 2024
Just spent around an hour (actually most of today, if you put it like that) making up my mind to go to the library (and get a Daily Special drink on the way back) and right as im about to head out the door, bag packed and clothes worn, im called back. PLANS RUINED! WORST EVER. GAH!!!! Really dramatic, i know. But this is so serious to me im near tears right now. And right earbud is not working (see earlier entry). #FuckMyStereoAudiolessLife. Was offered a ride tomorrow morning to the library instead; can't anyone see that all the appeal will be gone? And who knows if ill be awake. Emoji of person smacking forehead. 6:54PM

12:48AM MON JUN 10 2024
Had a not-bad-but-underwhelming cinnamon bun today. Words escape me. I hate having to watch guard (?) over stopped cars! And i also think mall environments emit some sort of neurotoxins. Really make me lose my mind and become irritable and impatient. But for real this time, all other words escape me. 12:53AM.

1:48AM SUN JUN 9 2024
One of two medium sized layer cakes i spent 4 hours on yesterday night have already disappeared! Darn... Plain chiffon with lemon syrup (or something of that sort) with marscapone cream (or at least my approximation of it with cream cheese instead of marscapone. Salty... Might need to go back to the drawing board...) with yellow peaches as filling (i wish i had bought more to use and to eat later). Spent the evening digging through my mom's old electronic devices and managed to salvage an mp3 player/radio/recorder! Yay me! Im something of a genius. But perhaps as a cosmic tradeoff, one side of my earbuds has stopped working T_T. Like "jiù de bù qù , xīn de bù lái" ("If the old doesn't go, the new will not come.") (thank you yabla dot com ?) except only sort of. 1:58AM.

3:28AM SAT JUN 8 2024
Almost forgot about today's entry oops! Late night baking is so calmness until you have to whip cream by hand because the electric mixer is too noisy. But even then it's still fun to me. Have thought about looking into what the logistics and criteria for baked good pop ups are. Just vague ideas! Would've been nice to try some freshly baked, or rather, freshly finished (freshly assembled) cake but too late alas and i didn't want to wait 30 minutes before brushing my teeth to sleep. Stopping things short because i really should be sleeping by now. I can't help that i was watching a 30 minute interview video (further delay)! 3:33AM.

2:04AM FRI JUN 7 2024
Have been putting off sending a response email and making an appointment over the phone (2 separate things). Not sure why; i already know roughly what to write/say. Got dressed to go on a walk after dinner but didnt end up going out. My laptop has been slow today. Made egg fried rice (switching things up! Usually i just fry an egg and eat it on top of rice. "Switching things up," more like scrambling things up!) and watched the first few minutes of Unbelievable Fried Rice Rush! Great Chinese Restaurant in Tokyo Busy With Hungry Men! for guidance re: order of operations, timing, and other general sensibilities. Not sure if im writing to share anymore or if im subconsciously planning to keep these entries all to myself in my notes app. Saw a wonderful guestbook message reply to a message i left. 2:14AM

12:56AM THU JUN 6 2024
Read a sizable chunk for the first time in a while. Saw people 2 days in a row and i dont know if im cut out for this life! But also i was sleepy so that could be why. "Sleepy" sounds so Juvenile but plain old "tired" is too nonspecific. Not sure what else to write... 12:59AM.

11:22PM TUE JUN 4 2024
Writing before showering and getting ready for bed, for once, though maybe ill come back for a part two. Thought from approximately 12:20PM: I NEED TO CHANGE MY WAYS!!!!! T_T. Later i met up with a friend for the first time in person in just under one year. Apparently the way i speak has changed LOL? Actually not news to me. I can feel it myself... I should go and get ready to sleep soon though. Part of how i will be changing my ways. This summer we need to "live it up" 11:25PM.

1:58AM TUE JUN 4 2024
June words to live by: "Learn to sit back and observe. Not everything needs a reaction." Was considering trying something new and getting either a drink or a sweet bread (붕어빵) (side note: learning that either wikipedia has not caught up with inflation or the food stall outside the korean grocery store that was on the way of my walk today is Seriously Scamming!!!!! "Usually, it costs about 1,000 won (KRW) for three bungeo-ppang." But 1000 won is approx equivalent to 1 dollar and i Swear i saw on their sign that they were selling 3 for 5 dollars. Highly suspect... Someones lying...) but decided to just delay my post-exertion snack until i got back home. Checked my bank app and there was an alert telling me that a regularly scheduled deposit has yet to be made. Yes, im aware... Just what happens when youre out living life, unrestrained (by a single shift a week) for 3 weeks. #hiatus. But i hope to have fun tomorrow. 2:12AM

1:15AM MON JUN 3 2024
Day 3 of writing in my phone notes app instead of directly in visual studio code. Even though today, my computer is right in front of me. So sleepy and comfortable in bed for nearly all of today. Became aware today of my imminent wisdom teeth (all 4!!!!!!!!! At once! Help.) extraction, coming soon in less than 2 weeks. Planning on going to the library tomorrow, though it would be better if it were a wednesday. And thats all for here for today. 1:19AM

1:52AM SUN JUN 2 2024
Positive reception of my cake even though the strawberries were too sour and i didnt have enough whipping cream to make enough whipped cream. Its a new month, can you even believe? Checked my 123guestbook unintentionally (muscle memory made me press enter in the search bar even though i meant to check my email) and the comment ability is gone. And i guess even the past messages display will be gone soon too. Was so sleepy tired for most of today until around 5pm. My waterbottle completely emptied itself while inside my bag (waterproof lining so the light plastic items in my bag were seriously floating #buoyant). 1:57AM.

1:52AM SAT JUN 1 2024
I cant keep up with this sleep deprivation out of sync life! Got home after being outside and i was so Lethargic i fell asleep on the couch after having a snack (so kind of lose lose here. If i know what im talking about)(this is so not Meshi). Will i have time to bake before working my one shift a week? Back from my work hiatus. Sigh. Typed this on my phone with autocaps on because my laptop isnt in my room. I need to be living a more purposeful life. We should all strive to find ourselves and also have interests that propel us forward (or at least keep us standing)(vague aphorisms(?) that i hope ill remember their context for when i reread this at a later date). This "introvert" life is for real i think. Nearly without fail at the 4 hour mark i start to lose it (positive or negative change or otherwise neutral deflation). But really, 4 hours isnt bad! (Well actually it depends. Sometimes its more like 1 hour. But 1 hour still is often enough!....). I had one more bullet point to check off but it escapes me. Can we have daylight savings again please ^_^! Like we all get an extra hour of sleep just for funsies? 2:01AM

4:38AM FRI MAY 31 2024
considered falsifying the time at which im writing this entry. woke up past noon today (well, yesterday) and took a nap from 2pm to 6. as you might then expect, the day flew by! perseveration, rumination, do you have to let it linger? do you have to? do you have to? going to make whipped cream and fruit cake. might attempt a roll cake but if not, just a regular 2 layered cake should do. just about a month left until 123guestbook shuts down. i need to get on it. (archiving it). "WJSN had gay people singing about being unnatural" is what just popped into my head while i was thinking about how i dont really have a good reference point for how close friendships should normally be (because i often am not normal <-- not normal = "UNNATURAL" ?) Gosh. 4:51AM.

1:38AM THU MAY 30 2024
note to self yesterday or if i ever decide to make ladyfingers and tiramisu again: 1. take advice in moderation (i should be less conservative when dunking the ladyfingers in the coffee), 2. dont use the stand mixer to whisk whipping cream (been there, done that, redid that elsewhere using different tools when i realized), 3. pay more attention while the stand mixer beats egg whites (turns out the water in egg whites separates out when overbeaten), 4. try creaming (?) the cream cheese first so that it folds better into the whipped cream. question for the audience: is it harmful to eat aluminum or stainless steel? and now for a different food related thought: its so sad when food i buy with money tastes bad, and not just bad but worse than what i can make for myself (because im not a good cook). why would that happen! it shouldnt be that way! 1:59AM.

2:13AM TUE MAY 28 2024
did a larger than average load of laundry (because i washed my sheets and pillowcases that were piled up from before my trip...) and i just finished hanging up the last of them to dry (i showered and brushed my teeth in the middle). i like to air dry my clothing (and bedding if there's space) in my room when possible. Life Hack, if you will, for an analog #allnatural humidifier! i had to get creative to find places for my sheets. its kind of fun and whimsical to see them draped around my room. but it isnt very elegant. maybe i need to work on my problem solving. also i lied yesterday: i did not in fact "[sleep] soon." keen readers might put two and two together and notice what time it is right now for me today and i'll admit its looking a little dire. i suppose i need to change my ways. i wanted to walk to the grocery store "today" (yesterday) to buy ingredients and bake but i accidentally took a 4 hour nap instead. so maybe learn from my example. don't even bother setting a single alarm for 50 minutes in advance if you're anything like me. you'll sleep right through it! (but i tell myself everytime that it'll be different). 2:28AM

3:08AM MON MAY 27 2024
le sigh. still up but im sleeping soon. ... sometimes when i read other people's thoughts, i realize that my inner world isn't as rich as i like to think it is or as i fear other people assume it is. related to this is how, often, people will ask me questions that i have no answers for because i dont spend time thinking about things like that! 3:08AM.

1:38AM MON MAY 27 2024
so much rain! on and off. i have my window open just a smidge for the rain sounds ambience. i used "pudding" hair dye 2 nights ago. yes. part of the reason why i bought it was because of its branding. and because there was a mystery sticker included inside the box. it was almost time to wash the dye out but i decided to floss first (i hadn't brought my floss on my trip..) (*spitting blood from my mouth* "You should see the other guy..." *hiding a floss pick behind my back*) and because i wasn't checking the time, the dye was left in my hair for 10 minutes more than the suggested maximum. the ends of my hair feel pretty crunchy, even 2 days later. but we'll live... i had hoped that i would naturally and spontaneously adopt a Healthier Sleep Schedule and Daily Living Rhythm while adjusting to the time zone difference but i suppose that is not the case. hypothesis disproven. i cant help myselllllf.. Boooooo. 1:50AM.

7:27PM SUN MAY 26 2024
back from my trip! well actually ive been back since the evening of the 24th but I haven't done much but lie in bed since then. i went for a short walk around the neighborhood yesterday evening. i have a cold. i blame the airplane. i was wearing a mask but i kept fidgeting with it because it kept bothering me because i could feel it wasn't creating a proper seal and the earloops were hurting my ears. my poor ears! or whatever. 7:32PM.

12:35AM MON APR 22 2024
one of the most upsetting, most frustrating, mundane moments (it sounds like im trying to increase the word count) is dropping wet laundry as you're transferring it out of the washing machine. literrrally every time it happens i Sigh and feel so Tired of it all. but we cringe on. moving out of first-year residence. when will i next be able to live (semi-)alone. (with a pet cat :3). can i chill. one day back home. whats all this dread(?) for... Positivity please. changed the colour theme of visual studio code. its teal! its quite Aquatic. 12:49AM.

7:11PM WED APR 10 2024
my fullest all-nighter to date. id like to just watch a movie and sleep early tonight. leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow's me. Well. they're today's problems. or to be more exact, yesterday's problems... last week's problems. Who even caaaares. this is all so faaaaaake. none of these assignments matter In The Grand Scheme of Things. i wouldve written this in my tangible journal, but its at the bottom of my backpack and the keyboard is right in front of me. sitting on a bench outside right now. it seems like the bugs are back (after the winter). earlier, a squirrel came up to me, nearly climbing onto the bench im sitting on, presumably hoping to get some of my granola bar (which had been in my backpack for the past few months at least. which i finally decided to eat since i went to 3 different places to get a snack to eat but all of them were closed! what gives!) 7:17PM.

12:57AM TUE APR 2 2024
not interested in near real-time, daily updates. not sure if i should just turn off my site profile for now or if i should just write all the logs, maybe even in a physical journal first, then upload them all at once at a later date. blaaaaaah 1:05AM.

11:24AM MON APR 1 2024
going to have to get dressed to go to class (last one for this course for this semester) once i finish here and close my laptop to pack it into my backpack. slept early last night (well. earlier than planned. earlier than i maybe should have. and longer than i maybe should have. but im Refreshed. or so they say.) reserved free tickets for a film festival happening nearby 2 weeks from now, while i was still in bed before getting up. going on walks and going to places with my family or other people isn't the same as when im doing things alone. ive been 10-15 mins late for nearly every one of my classes this semester since february. can we end off strong? (me hinting that this entry is coming to an end. so that i can try to not be late.) (stream of consciousness Or Whatever They Call it. for the April Logs. Happy April! am i making a waste of my tuition. is that even how a sentence like that would be phrased. just typing anything. clearly. Evidently.) 11:33AM

11:05PM THU MAR 28 2024
successfully, though ungracefully, communicated the matcha order from yesterday's entry to a barista today. ate my lunch (a burger) outside, sitting on a bench, but i had to change my spot twice because squirrels kept coming so close to me, or rather, my food. ive been in a Mood since around 4:30 Pm today but i dont know why. i had about an hour of spare time this evening before going to an event. instead of going to the library to work, even though i did think about it & considered it to be the most responsible course of action, i sat outside, on a bench in a courtyard (?), in the cold wind, eating the remaining half of a ginger cookie, then vaguely people watching for at least 30 minutes, at most 1 hour (im not sure). i caught myself attempting to describe how i was feeling but i was thinking in korean. and why might that be. surely not because ive been exposing myself to the language at a rate not experienced since i was 13... Omg so embarassing. supposedly. evidently. anyway. google translates the word i was thinking of as "depressed," "melancholy," "moodiness," "mope," "dejection," etc. unrelated: how did i escape Social Pressures and Norms enough to never have really learned how to do makeup or hair. granted, at least half of all of the friends ive ever had aren't particularly feminine or otherwise interested in the above topics. but of them all, when you look at us now. ... Lol. can you tell that im just typing to type, just adding more without knowing where im going. Disregard everythinggggg. clearly im still in the throes of this Mood. Im Under The Influence. of this indescribable mood. yeah you (me) said that already... pollen season seems to have started. sniffle. the two girls in the room next to mine are singing Just Give Me A Reason (or whatever the song's called) by P!NK together. now Roar by Katy Perry. 11:26PM.

12:32PM WED MAR 27 2024
i had 3 milk-based drinks on monday and by the end of the day i scared myself with how it looked like there was something growing inside of me (Wait im Bloated). please dont tell me im becoming lactose intolerant. as a result of this though, instead of my usual Matcha Latte, i tried doing 1 scoop of matcha + ice cubes + 3/4 cold water + a splash of milk + 1 pump of vanilla syrup and IDK i think it tastes pretty comparable. the vanilla syrup is doing a lot of the work here though, i think its too much for the amount i made. ive never really liked the way milk lingers in my mouth anyway. next step would be to figure out how to condense this order of operations into a single sentence so that i can try ordering this somewhere. the portable CD player i bought on ebay last week arrived in the mail yesterday! its a panasonic sl-sx281c. i tested it out by listening to Never Say Never by Brandy. i rarely order things online; i was refreshing the mail tracking website several times a day. going to try to make at least one entry a day in april (moldy birth month!)(also exams/finals month... but then i'll be free until fall!). we'll see how that goes though. the following is something i typed out and posted yesterday night: "[...] Yes i do have things due but my New Philosophy is: What use is there in being miserable, trading a life with infrequent joy in the present for the hope of joy in a future that is not guaranteed. No im not just coping, no im not just making excuses. Welllll. Maybe i am but is that so wrong? I hope you all smiled today and if not today then smile tomorrow. The tomorrow that is not a given but is a Gift. [...]" 12:50PM.

3:00AM FRI MAR 15 2024
haven't written anything in a while. i dont really feel like this is Log-Worthy material but i want to talk myself through this issue at hand (read: complain). im so sleepy. just as i started to finally Finally feel resolved, like i have a game plan, my head flops over as though i cant even muster up the strength (?) to keep myself upright (im typing this in bed, already not the actions of someone who is genuinely confident in my ability to finish this assignment tonight). wah wah wah How about a short nap. 3:05AM.

12:43AM WED FEB 7 2024
went to go and see a movie alone this (or should i say yesterday... it always feels strange to consider something that happened within the same period of being awake as being a separate day. if that makes sense. i think it'd make more sense if i wasn't trying to fit this all into one parenthetical. are all parentheses parenthetical expressions? are all parentheticals in parentheses? something i could easily look up but i choose not to. now where was i. close parenthesis.) evening. it was around a 20 minute walk away from where i live, but i was speedwalking so it was more like a 15 minute walk. the movie itself was not bad. the ticket was five dollars because the theater was having a promotion. i wore comfortable clothes under my coat. there were only 3 other people in the theater with me and we were all sitting far apart. when i got back to my residence, i got an ice cream sandwich (something i don't usually get to do, since i usually only stop by the dining hall for meals or for snacks to eat on my walk to class. if im getting dinner to take to my room, if i got ice cream, it would melt before i could finish eating dinner. and i don't believe in eating ice cream if im going to have to eat dinner right after. if there's more than 15 mins between, then that's fine. but if i really waited that long, my dinner would get cold! longwinded explanation for a minor detail of my day). i finally received a postcard + sticker package my friend who goes to school in a different city sent me before the new year! now i really need to Hustle and start working on a package to send back. i got positive feedback on a writing assignment for my history class (the one with the TA is think is cool lol) but i got 15% of what wouldve been a good mark deducted because of how late i submitted it waaah. another due date for this class is coming up but i haven't started the assignment. ... ......... ><.. i should go to sleep now. im trying to not feel so tired during the day. but i have so much i want to do! and so much i have to do. grabbing my head and hair. its so not that serious though. i didnt even do that, im just exaggerating for comedic effect. if it weren't so late and if i weren't so calm, maybe i really would. grip my hair and head dramatically, that is. hey didn't i say i should go to sleep. And yet my fingers wont stop typing. transcribing my thoughts... i think my roommate hasn't fallen asleep yet. i wonder if he thinks im hard at work. more like Hardly Working! Ha ha ha. that's a good place to end. 12:59AM.

11:42AM WED JAN 31 2024
my hot vanilla bean latte tastes off. my guess would be that the milk was burnt maybe. the cup was way hotter than i think it shouldve felt & its really foamy for a latte. my inflated(?) sense of how espresso-based drinks should be made from my unpaid baristaing. baristing. just my volunteer opinion. maybe this is a sign to pick a new default regular order. im not even sure if the vanilla syrup is in here. its like So whatever though. i woke up and found that i had been sleeping face-up diagonally across my bed. that was a sign. an omen. that i would have a diagonal day. LOL. i also had a piece of hair on the top of my head sticking up. going to indulge myself and read for 20 mins. then maybe work for 40 mins. then go to class. i went to my morning lecture (history of architecture) but i spent nearly the whole time Surfing the Web. i forgot to pack my notes folder so i was stuck taking notes on my laptop. and the temptation was too great... but i cant blame my computer. i tend to rationalize not paying attention to my lectures when im tired. i tell myself im just trying to stay awake. by browsing and scrolling. surely im still at least absorbing some of what the professors say. like what they say about learning languages. im just "familiarizing myself with the language." my right leg fell asleep. 12:00PM.

3:06PM MON JAN 22 2024
sitting in the library (im something of a regular here), sipping the last of a matcha latte i made. (its a bit bitter). ive started journalling again in a diary ive been using on and off over the past 3 years (such a long period of time to be using the same notebook. only barely halfway through LOL). and i noticed, after coming back to my dorm room yesterday night, that my roommate has a (new? and identical?) notebook on his desk. im 90% sure he saw me writing in mine on friday. but maybe im placing too much faith (?) in my Influential Power. i dont think he's nearly as curious about me and my life as i am about him and his life. but i can admit that im a bit much. a bit. Lol. in other news! >6000 views! also i bleached my hair yesterday evening but i mixed too much bleach (i panicked and just slathered the rest over the rest of my hair. after all i went through to selectively apply it in small streaks..) & i washed it out too soon (the lightest parts are a reddish brown, definitely not blonde). bit disappointing. i might try again next week LOL. i think my hair can take it. third lol of the entry. i spent most of the weekend watching a tv show. which i thought had 16 episodes (conventional episode count, a good clean number). but turns out there's 17. i made it to episode 16 but i feel that ive lost some interest. so who knows if i'll actually finish the show. i'd like to, just so i can say (to myself) that i completed it. but two whole hours... (the show is called coffee prince by the way, a 2007 korean romcom series. the main couple has a quasi-homosexual hetero situationship. which was the main draw for me If Im Being Honest. and all the old phones! lots of dramatic hanging up by flipping or sliding phones shut. its all very 2007. whatever that means. corny at times). and im just now realizing that i already mentionned that i started writing in my journal again recently. LOL. (reaching my lol limit). my habit of repeating my stories because i come up with things to say & forget where i've told them/who i've told them to. lots of deadlines this weeek -_-. im weak. Haha. might still take time to finish the novel im reading before starting to work. we'll seeeee. ><. my recent favourite emoticon. like saying Kyaa! vs code isn't a fan though. the second character is in red. VS Code hates fun. or whatever. here's to a good week. here's to a week of change. or of continuation. or of whatever. 3:41PM.

1:21PM FRI JAN 19 2024
back again for a quick note. my TA for my history course seems really cool. maybe i should bleach my hair. this weekend? while i was in the library before class, i saw one of the library assistants looking for a book that someone placed a hold for. she was holding a sheet of paper with information on it which i assume included the call number. which like omg! thats soo sort of kind of like what i do! (pharmacy assistant). last week i wore my hair down everyday since it consistently looked fine. but ive been wearing it tied up in a ponytail everyday this week. back on the grind (the ponytail grind). 1:33PM.

11:18AM FRI JAN 19 2024
what am i to dooo ive been so sleepy these days. considering getting into fragrances and perfumes. i dont really like strong smells though. trying to decide between getting a flip phone (a functioning one) or a 3ds. i went indoor skating at my school's arena yesterday. went much more smoothly than my first time which was last week. i wrote in my physical journal last night for the first time in 2 months. i dont have it with me right now though since im out. in class LOL. i need to work on a draft of an assignment to bring to get peer-reviewed later today but i have noothing and im so sleepy. i'll still try to get something started. but like whatever. its friday friday Im Going To Get Down On Fridayy. and by "get down" i mean. well. what do i mean? after well over a week of near silence between us, i finally reached out to my roommate (through text message) to ask Hey. What's your problem with me? or at least that's what i meant. but of course i didn't write that. my roommate replied that he's trying to "avoid being only around me" and that i "only have negative things to say about my day." but that he isn't mad at me or purposely avoiding me. my first reply was "Phew!!!!! Ok" but the more i think about it the less Phew Ok i feel. this was on monday. when we were applying for residence i had a feeling that living together wouldn't a good idea. but like Whatever! ending on a bit of a negative note. i feel like i always need to explain myself and clarify what i mean and provide enough context so that im not being misunderstood. and when i don't get to explain myself fully i can't stop thinking about it. 11:40AM.

2:35PM MON JAN 8 2024
finished one of my class readings for wednesday. its the shortest one but thats fine. im reading My Solo Exchange Diary 2 by Nagata Kabi right now. sitting in the middle of the library where anyone can see me is not Ideal but earlier when i first came in, all the more secluded spots were taken & i dont want to pack up and move now that ive already been sitting. set the book down for a bit to start typing because i felt myself tearing up. Lol. worried that im reading an account of what my life will be like. but amid the despair there's hope. there's kindness. Omg stop. also crazy coincidence: in volume 1 of My Solo Exchange Diary at some point theres a panel with a translation note that kabi can mean mold in japanese. like OMG. mold as in me ? i think i'll leave after i finish this section in the book. saving the last bit for the next time i come to the library. 2:42PM.

1:27PM MON JAN 8 2024
just burnt my whole tongue T_T. i packed myself tea this morning (something i dont usually do) in an insulated waterbottle (something i dont usually use). first day of class so why is the library so packed. im going to try to commit to working for at least 1 hour each day. idea i got from some professor talking in a tiktok giving Advice For Students Who Struggle With Time Management. 1:30PM.

4:27 AM THU JAN 4 2024
Oh My Goodness! really it (the time i go to sleep) just gets later and later. anyway. just spent nearly an hour replying to an email. i've had two separate (i assume...) people comment that my writing reads like im texting a friend. Oh my Goodness Reality is Really Setting in. im going to have to come back to this topic. whatever it is i want to say. frankly not quite sure myself. ive suddenly become very worried that someone (probably my dad) will catch me still awake. i feel 13 all over again. abrupt end. im also getting hungry. Because its so late. early. no, late. for me at least. from my perspective. 4:35AM.

12:24 AM WED JAN 3 2024
ate three clementines in one sitting. one of them was hard to peel but i think it tasted the best. slept for Eleven hours last night! my phone died while i was asleep so i didn't even know what time it was when i first woke up. i didn't get much sleep for the 3 days before so i guess i was tired. and i had two dreams back to back that i was trying to prolong, just to see where they would go. in one of them i was walking with someone i used to be classmates with to her part-time job (that i made up). in the second dream, i was taking the subway. saw a video earlier today where someone was talking about how as a student, she thinks about the year as beginning from september, not january, and so when reflecting on the year (september to december), she doesn't remember the Horrors of April and May (for example). so real! experienced this exact Phenomenon while trying to write out the 2023 Mold Awards. more that i want to record but i think this is long enough for a log entry (considering i didn't really do much today Lol) and because i need to get ready for bed. just killing time, after eating the clementines, before going to brush my teeth. not just staying up for no reason... (lie). 12:42AM.

2:21 AM TUE JAN 2 2024
first entry of the new year! also completely missed when i reached 5000 site views! i wonder what counts as a view. surely there aren't 5000 people who've seen my website... strange to think about. and in that same vein, my recent log entries have been so all over the place, now that i'm skimming them before uploading the changes. and also quite frivolous. ice skated today at an outdoor rink. my first time skating in over a year so it took a little while to get back used to it. very cold outside. i washed my duvet and duvet cover today. lots of dust. i plan on vacuuming tomorrow. i've been planning on getting back into teaching myself how to play the guitar but my guitar strings are so rusty. Literally! and i was reminded today that strings can snap & as such potentially smack me in the face. so maybe i'll wait to get it restringed first. accidentally cut a chunk from my hair that i didnt mean to cut. will assess the damage in the morning. just reread what i've typed out for this entry so far. sentence number 6 is not really in the same vein at all. what vein am i talking about. maybe in the same circulatory system. what! In 2024 We Get Awesome. all from me for now. 2:38AM.

5:08PM FRI DEC 29 2023
eating a banana with a slice of banana bread i made this morning. got a covid vaccine today so my left arm is sore. my mom got me a job with her friend, also this morning. i start Tomorrow Morning. i put a lot of chocolate chips in the banana bread this time. i went to the library to borrow more books. that i don't think i'll realistically get around to finishing. or starting -__-;. it's like window shopping. i trimmed my hair last night & used thinning shears. before showering, i tried using a hair straightener on my hair. i had no idea what i was doing with it though :P. i was trying to get it to flick down or out in a 2004 kind of way. actually the sides looked fine, it was my bangs that ended up flat in a bad way. i think i need to let some parts grow out. i fell asleep with damp hair (because it was already so late at night. or would it be considered morning LOL...). almost finished the banana i was eating when i started this entry. one bite left. 5:18PM.

2:00AM THU DEC 28 2023
i want to change my sheets but i dont want to leave my room this late at night to look for where the clean sheets are. i have some duvet covers in my room right now but they're too small. they're from my dorm bed that i brought back to wash. in other news, im already starting to worry about when this school year ends and i stop living in residence, away from home, close to school, and with my roommate. they're probably the first best friend i've had in 7 years. but i have no idea where i stand to them. Are we Besties? For Life? For Ever? im hungry now but i already brushed my teeth. :/. thinking about if i should create a new log page for the new year or otherwise make it easier to navigate without having to scroll so much with all the words blurring together. but i kind of like it like that. it makes each word more anonymous. or something. what am i saying lol. 2:11AM.

11:59PM WED DEC 20 2023
oh its so bad. i'm not going to look at my student email until the new semester begins. Wah. sniffle. 12:00AM.

7:53PM WED DEC 20 2023
yesterday night, when my dad came into my room to tell me to turn off my light and go to sleep (i was already in bed, under my covers, on the verge of falling asleep before having brushed my teeth), he said something about how instead of saying that i "gave up" on doing something, i should use a different phrase. but i cant remember it now. 7:55PM

4:31PM WED DEC 20 2023
first time being sick in maybe 2 years. its so terrible. i saw it coming since monday. im hoping it clear up soon. as in before tomorrow.. or friday.. T_T. todays the abosolute last day of the semester. i have 3 assingments i need to hand in. not exactly very hopeful. one of them is a tech project but the software im using keeps freezing. i feel so terrrrrible. what even is the point. i had plans to see my friend on friday. we were going to see the boy and the heron in theaters. T_T. i stayed up all night on monday to work and i think that might be why. my immune system suffered greatly. and i didnt even do much work at all! i spent at least half of the time texting my friend or otherwise being on my phone. so pointless! Reaping What I Sow. 4:45PM.

10:26PM SUN DEC 17 2023
bits and pieces from my dreams last night keep floating around in my head but i dont remember enough of them to actually write them down. some scenario where im probably agnostic and another scenario where a friend of mine said their arms are "Swole".. no idea why either of those were relevant. 10:28PM.

1:48AM SUN DEC 17 2023
some miscellaneous thoughts ive been thinking lately (writing now before i start Working...). my closest friendship is kind of detached and we leave each other alone. actually i don't know if this is just how it feels recently that we've both been busier. and really i think this is a problem i have. i dont even really touch other people at all. Oh my god im going to stop writing about this because i dont think i really want to be exploring this topic further. i like wearing hoodies with the hood up because it hides the back of my hair and flattens my bangs in a boyish way. but i rarely ever wear hoodies out because all of mine have designs printed on them from high school clubs. actually was not that many thoughts. the heater beside me right now is only warming one side of my face and i feel uneven and its not great. but i like the nice warm orangeish glow its casting. 1:58AM.

10:53AM SAT DEC 16 2023
sitting in front of a heater and eating clementines is really great. still have 3 more assignments to do before im free. for the semester that is. if i had done everything on time, i would only have one left.. but still. i think at this point (only 1-2 days left for me to get anything in) i just need to DO SOMETHING! and then feel sorry for whoever's going to have to mark the word slop. didn't do much of anything yesterday because i woke up after 12... Day Ruined. 11:10AM.

1:30AM THU DEC 14 2023
lots of things i would have liked to document and report on over this past week but now it feels like too much time has passed and it wont be the same... i have an exam in the morning. its an online one and its open book and ive been convincing myself that the questions wont be too hard and that the responses wont be marked too harshly. and so ive been putting aside studying. well at least i attended all the lectures...... but actually often when i think things will be fine, they aren't, and when i think things will go terribly, they don't, so maybe i'll go to sleep (after i finish writing this) worried, just in case it helps. what am i even saying. Oh the things I'll do instead of actually studying.. i swear i had something else i wanted to write that i thought of while i was brushing my teeth (drafting my entry in my head) but i can't rememeber it now. whatever! i'll just sleeeep.. and hopefully i'll be able to write more coherently than this for my exam. kaomoji with the fists. 1:39AM.

9:58PM THU DEC 7 2023
went HORRIBLY~! almost nearly did start tearing up toward the end of my turn to get feedback from my instructor and TA. its fine i guess since almost everyone had already left by that point. went so overtime. the practical today was supposed to be over by 8. couldn't even properly thank my TA for staying so late as he was leaving. i hope my instructor and TA couldn't tell. i hope my watery eyes could've passed for just being tired. (doubtful..). was talking to myself (actually more like whispering to myself) the whole walk back. but i do that all the time when im alone Lol. when i got back to my room, as i was opening the door, i saw all the lights were off. i closed the door soooo quietly and turned my phone flashlight on & stood in the corner quietly taking my scarf and coat off. because i thought my roommate was already asleep. reasonable assumption considering they said they might go to bed before i get back re: the extra slice of banana bread i got - see previous entry. but i was totally Pranked!!!!! got a text a couple minutes later, while i was standing in the dark, that they were going to head back "in a minute" :P. reread the entry before last and i have no clue now what i meant by "juwan from no home." How? All in my head? Memory problems? sent 3 emails to 3 different TAs as per the suggestion from the learning strategist. waited until i got out of my practical to send them because i didn't want to risk getting a reply & reading the notification while i was out. University wants me to die an earlier death! Wants me to have a shorter lifespan! not going to get much sleep tonight or probably tomorrow and probably the day after and maybe even the day after that and and and. ... It's Not Over Until It's Over. 10:17PM.

3:57PM THU DEC 7 2023
after my last lecture of this semester (The End Is In Sight!) i went to get a snack to eat (Small Vanilla Bean Latte and hm... A Piece of Banana Loaf please slight smile emoji). and when i look in the brown paper bag the cafe food comes in, there's not one but Two pieces! i didn't say anything but i made sure to smile again when leaving. somehow i feel like im supposed to be paying it forward or something. offering my extra slice. i had an online meeting with a Learning Strategist this morning. going to work on my studio piece for the next hour now until my last practical of this semester (The End Is Near..) 4:04PM.

9:12PM TUE DEC 5 2023
SO EMBARASSING! Oh mein gott. but really now that i think about it for a little bit and im calming down, why this new information to anyone! cryptic messaging. for vague context, ive been asking my roommate throughout this semester various questions about how i / a normal person should respond to various messages / situations. and also recently we havent been talking much, maybe (probably?) because of finals (right after midterms too). Well yeah. I am kind of twelve years old. -____T. also almost everytime i speak with my studio instructor, she tells me i have A Lot Of Work Ahead Of Me. and that Im Really Behind. and that Im Spending Too Long On Insignificant Details. really kind of terrible. really disheartening. but i want her to like me. or at least my work. Ohhh my god. Gott. even though i haven't been doing any of my other assignments, and ive only been working on my studio file. They want me gone!!!!!! spent most of today with my mom; i ate lunch at home & then we went to ikea. i was supposed to have a wisdom tooth consultation appointment today but it got cancelled by the surgeon's office. i got a vanilla frozen yogurt cone and a veggie dog. found out that ikea makes a tiny version of the Alien. someone left a beanie boo on a table on display. also saw my grandma briefly and called my sister. Really Howwww am i supposed to get anything done. Is it worth making a joke. Is it not obvious after living with me for any period of time that i don't exactly involve myself or really even have the opportunity to involve myself if i wanted in most types of Situations.. i thought we were in this together .. Lol. Lol. Guy who doesn't play about the loser lifestyle. Guy who can definitely name 5 songs. its so not serious though. Oh my god! This is just like what happened to juwan in no home! (Um no it isnt. Um and this is a perfectly mature and reasonable reaction. Connecting yourself to a character. Yep.) im going to finish taking notes for the video lecture i started yesterday. and do my weekly modern art history theory online multiple choice quiz. and then work on my studio final. and then not do much of anything else. not that i could finish my studio work tonight anyway. i reaaaaally didn't want to submit my last modern art assignment late but What Choice Do I Have! Oh my. Getting Emotional. It's Fine. 9:46PM.

12:17PM MON DEC 4 2023
new month, old me.. i think maybe its not very helpful or useful or worthwhile to keep telling myself that This Month I Will Be On Top Of Things Unlike All The Months Before. but next semester should be better for me. less writing courses; 2 studio courses & a food chemistry class (so it'll have a different kind of coursework i hope). im optimistic. i just need to get through the next 2 ish weeks.. then i'll get it together. (like the osaka azumanga daioh picture. Lol. not contradicting myself. things will really be fine. Lol. Lool! seriously not contradicting what i just said at the beginning of this entry though. Its different.) finally had my 10 minute presentation of my term paper for my elective class. i woke up at 8 (ish) after half sleeping through my 6:20 alarm and i only got out of bed at 8:30.. for my 9 am class. so i had a chocolate danish while walking. having a latte in the library right now after i finishing a sandwich (no food allowed inside the library). lately ive been getting a small vanilla bean latte but i asked for a plain regular latte today and i was surprised by how not sweet it was. Well duh! going to try and get a pair of jeans that don't fit right exchanged at the thrift store i got them at 2 weeks ago later today, between my classes. and then i have to work. seriously messed up. Took "her" (my work) to the library and then i "Freaked" it (lets hope.) ...going to take notes for a recorded video lecture from 3 weeks ago, since we need to submit our class notes for a completion mark by the 6th. not really top priority buuut. 12:31 PM.

3:39PM MON NOV 27 2023
late last night i was talking (read: complaining) to my roommate and they were giving me suggestions but it was really too uncomfortable for me. i think this is a real and serious problem i have. and also i even joked about this out loud then but where am i supposed to be looking and what expression am i supposed to have on my face while im listening to solutions after having confessed to failing Chronically and saying that i Knoww haha. haha. ha. and toward the end i had to pour myself more water into my cup to drink it and hide my face in the cup and then when the water in the brita filter was gone i had to just turn and face forward so that i would be hidden from view behind the wardrobe between our desks. and i hope i didn't make anything weird. but im saying all this now to 1. document this for who knows why and 2. because its so fine like seriously though. like i think things are actually managable. if i just change my habits a bit. found out the ZINE CLUB at my school is run by an artist in grad school in my faculty who my roommate and i have been following on instagram and i found this all out by coinicidence. im going to tell them about this when i get back later. i have a problem with idolizing real people i vaguely know and it stops me from being able to be normal and talk to them. my calves hurt. wearing a cardigan i thrifted last tuesday. a cold day today unfortunately. Brrrrr. but its going to be ok! positive self talk. 3:49PM.

9:27PM SUN NOV 26 2023
got my flu shot today. got pho and congee afterward with my mom and sister at a vietnamese restaurant near the pharmacy. and we shared a Sago Taro Milk Tea Warm 30% Sugar afterward and i took what was left of it with me when i left to go back to my residence. a rainy afternoon. i finally finished the book ive been reading on and off since the end of august. in the car my mom was asking me why i have to keep saying i was Supposed to do this and that. "dont ask me!... \(-_-)/."" and she wouldn't stop laughing because who am i talking about then. helloooo.. eyes on the road! focus on driving please.. -__-. really don't ask me T_-. im really going to stay up to do work tonight. seriously. not very convincing.. But im Serious this time. (i didn't end up working after the last entry i typed in here. not a very promising track record but Trust.) (67% success prediction) 9:34PM.

11:05AM THU NOV 23 2023
got a small Peppermint Cold Foam Cold Brew on a whim and im glad i didn't ask for a medium like i usually do with other drinks because it is so weird. the bits of crushed peppermint on the foam are vaguely bitter and also i dont know why i expected it to be a warm drink considering that the picture for it had ice cube. and also that it has "cold" in its name twice. i also got a bottle of iced green tea with honey at breakfast because i was running so late for my morning lecture (left 3 minutes after it started) that i even ran into my roommate who was coming back to eat after an early morning exam. can't say for certain that caffeine actually makes me feel more awake but we'll see. i havent been getting much sleep for the past 3 days but i also haven't even been using extra time awake to do work. im so behind. waaaah. the plan is that i stay up tonight to work. but for real this time. ... :/. really disheartening to keep carrying over my to do list items day after day. has anyone thought about that? has anyone considered that? anyone care me? 11:13AM.

6:24PM THU NOV 16 2023
just barely 30 minutes later. new crucial topic of discussion/recording. really feels like im being psyop-ed. like someone is out to get me. really horrible like its Over. is it to late for me. ist it too late fur mich. is it too late for me to learn to be normal. to talk to people. to not choose to be alone always. how will i ever survive in this Dog Gone stupid baka networking world. introducing a new character. guy in my studio who really annoys me but would be less annoying if he were gay (i.e. uninterested in acting this way for female validation. like Hey girls. Yes i do like vinyls and thrifting. I'm a sensitive kind of guy. who also happens to like to Partyy. i might be projecting sorry.) so over it already. cold and hungry Let me out!!!!! really should quickly talk to my instructor before she leaves but i think this is maybe Not A Good Time for me. Not in a good space. its hard being a nonchalant chalant earnest alert loser kind of individual. Brrr. going to put on my sweater. and wallow in self-pity. grimace emoji. 6:45PM

5:55PM THU NOV 16 2023
writing this while in studio. Oh its horrible. actually was not horrible until i was reminded of Everything 20 or so minutes ago. really why. really hate hate HATE explaining myself when asked. Pleeease its less miserable to me if i just got the 50% late mark deduction than being asked directly if there's any reason Why i submitted my work so late. like Pleeease. Please. not really sure why im pleading. this isnt really a pleading situation. not what this calls for. maybe i'll tell my mom and ask what i should do. Ughjhhh. still an hour until i can leave. and so hungry. and the chair to desk height relationship is so terrible. Waaah waah wah. maybe i just need to forget about things for a bit. for my #MentalWellness. well actually that is a very bad idea. writing just to complain i guess. going to the washroom. Wah. 6:01PM

10:04PM SUN OCT 29 2023
abrupt ending to the last entry because my roommate got out of the shower and started scrolling on their phone while lying face down diagonally on the corner of their bed and so naturally i joined in but i wasnt even on my phone for the first hour or so (.....ended up being 4 hours of lie on bed and do nothing until i almost fall asleep and i have to drag myself out of bed to brush my teeth) i was just listening to them read out tweets. not going to be continuing the last entry either because Frankly we have bigger fish to fry (need to get this out onto this html file as soon as possible so that i can finally finish and submit my assignment)(the reflection i was working on as mentioned in the entry before last..). recent surge in events and thoughts to scare/convince/further prove to me that i need to be careful about what i think for fear that it might come true in some way. not exactly that i think im so powerful that i think my thoughts can change the future and shape the world but more so my longstanding belief that i have the gift curse of being able to predict things very accurately sometimes. Prophesizing. im kiiiiding. grimace emoji. really freaking me out a bit at times. maybe this is like pattern recognition To The Max. Making Connections. not even like that though. Lets all distract ourselves. Lets all scroll. Lets all open Microsoft Word documents and continue typing. grimace emoji. 10:14PM.

11:23PM FRI OCT 27 2023
tying this after showering after getting back from the concert (see previous entry) (baby's first "Hardcore" concert experience) with a left wrist that hurts bad (exaggeration) and knees that hurt bad (less of an exaggeration) after i got shoved and FELL toward the end of the show when i decided to try "getting in the pit" "moshing" (right whats all this then) and not 1 minute later this happens to me. got up and "brushed it off" but like Whyyyyy. all ages show but my more experienced roommate friend agreed with me that it felt very Juvenile. very "im in high school and i want an excuse to punch people and be annoyed" demographics wise. Owww. and no one even knew that i was Asa from Chainsaw Man so i really didnt have to be trying this hard and agonizing over the costume. i couldve just done what i did last year where i wore a dress shirt,

4:29PM WED OCT 25 2023
typing this in the library with a timer running that i set to give myself an amount of time to write the outline for a reflection due TOMORROW NIGHT (one of three assignments due tomorrow.. the other two are in similar states of incompletion...) went to the thrift store yesterday with my friend roommate to find stuff for our halloween costumes. he's going to be a character from soul eater and im going to be asa from chainsaw man. i couldn't find a pinafore dress (?)(whatever her black uniform apron dress thing is called) that was similar enough but it was getting late and i'll be busy until friday (my roommate wants us to go to an album release concert where the tickets are 5 dollars cheaper if you show up in a costume)(see beginning of entry)(my three assignments due on thursday) so i had to cope and get a brown dress with a round neckline and thats a little too big in the chest and a little too small at the waist and skirt and thats ten dollars more than id have reasonally paid for it but its whateveeer...... asked about the return policy before checking out. but i think ill just have to stick with it. going to try to get black rit dye.. we'll see how it works... at least the rest of what she wears is pretty straightforward. i like halloween in theory but i never really have any big plans and i typically wait too long to decide what to dress up as. my roommate is really big on halloween though. two costumes planned. kept losing yesterday it was almost funny. but its sooo fine. sophmore slump or comeback of the year (just going from memory here. not sure if i got that right). yesterday was warmup today is GAME TIME. yawwwwn -__-.. -__-..... -_- -_-.. o_o.. ... -_______-

6:24PM TUES SEP 5 2023
typing this while i eat food that i got in a reusable dining-hall-provided takeout container an hour ago to a. avoid the dinner rush and long lines and b. be able to eat alone in my room (my roommate is out until later tonight). have been eating the same potato salad every dinner so far. tried the coleslaw today. its pretty good minus the carrots. the "focaccia pizza" is kind of bad. not a fan of this feta cheese and i think the green stuff on it is cilantro. i was hoping it was just parsley but alas. spent almost double what i should have and i think its because of the lasagna and corn cob being heavy. oops. it should be fine... very very sweaty these past few days. really terrible. skipped out on going to the overpriced vintage shops today but i did manage to catch a 45-minute free museum tour. love museums. love rocks. love listening to facts in this way. i was on the tour alone because my group member friend didnt want to go on it lol. but i think that was better for me. enjoyed listening to music while looking at the minerals for 20 minutes after the tour ended but before i met back up with the oriention group friend. sucked how i was late and missed most of the scavenger hunt building tour this morning. woke up later than i should have and i also probably shouldn't have gotten breakfast in the dining hall when i saw how slowly the line was moving. was kind of fun to eat a greek yogurt with a small steel reusable spoon while walking outside. a food themed entry it would seem. im constipated. about an hour before my roommate is supposed to get back. lets see if i can have a Bowel Movement in that time. (not very hopeful..). 6.50PM.

9:51PM SUN SEP 3 2023
first night in res, i can't remember the last time i showered this early (writing this with slightly damp hair which has been air-drying for the past hour). the dining hall food is not bad but its salty. its so weird talking to people ive never met in the hallways. i think the small talk is working and i hope i seem like a friendly nice Normal person but also this is not exactly Who I Am. BTW. Just so you're aware. i have to giggle a bit after i leave because i cant believe how im improvising and coming up with this stuff to say. the inverse (?) of this is that im not very good at responding to when my roommate is talking to me. im not used to having to react and respond so much at once in one day. but i'll adjust. i dont like the desk chair in the room so im typing this in bed right now (i can feel the computer get gradually warmer..). really wrong how the only sink in the room is the one in the bathroom. orientation starts tomorrow morning. ... . .. (not morse code or anything, just a representation of how i feel about this impending 3-day event). still no job offers. Should I krill myself? (shrimp emoji). 10:03PM.

11:46PM THU AUG 31 2023
unintentional update 1 week later. wrote and submitted my first cover letter. succumbed to the devil of seeking employment. will attempt to write another tomorrow. it never ends.. and i need to pack!!!! desperately need to pack. Woah. terrible afternoon of being trapped in the washroom but then a walk to the library and then to the grocery store to buy some ready-made food with my sister because we suddenly got so soooo hungry after not eating a proper lunch (oops) (due to my aforementioned torturous afternoon toilet situation). scheming before we got to the cashier. need to do my duolingo for today before i lose my perfect streak. 11:54PM.

10:25PM THU AUG 24 2023
the skin on my left cheek is much drier than the rest of my face right now, not sure why. just over 2 weeks until i move into my dorm. going to go to ikea this weekend with my friend who is also going to be my roommate. it feels like i havent seen them in ages but i think its only been 3 weeks. well, i guess that can be a pretty substantial amount of time to not see someone. realized the other day that of my three friends i see semiregularly, one of them is moving out of town, one is moving out of the country, and one i'll be living with. LOLL. worried about sharing our washroom. specifically the toilet. ive been thinking of getting a cheap digital camera to somehow document the coming school year. taking videos would be ideal so that i can edit the footage into #vlogs but idk if i can handle pointing a camera at things for a sustained period of time (longer than it would take to click the shutter button and then stuff the camera back into my pocket) (because of the supposed embarassment). unless i tell myself its exposure therapy. LOL like in photography. ISO. Aperture. Shutter speed. Get it? haha. ive been watching this guy on youtube's vlogs of him in architecture school but i can only watch so many clips of him and his All-Asian Friend Group (mildly topical topic of discussion on tiktok) eating korean barbecue and thumbs-upping his way through getting haircuts and cooking salmon and sitting at cafes and whatever else it is that he does to a soundtrack of lofi kpop covers. sorry if that sounds mean. im sure he is living a successful fulfilling life. im sure he works hard. i dont know why i keep watching these videos. backpedaling. i gave up on my plan to apply for a work study position as a kitchen assistant after it took me 6 minutes to peel 5 small potatoes. relieved that i can live another day without having to write a cover letter. i do need to get a job though. maybe phone really does = bad. ive been bringing the book im reading with me from room to room but it just lies beside my pillow as i scroll on my phone in bed. 10:55PM.